"Survey Says????"

Disclaimer: WTMI will be in this blog!!

So one of the biggest dilemmas that I have now is trying to decide what to do with these appendages on the front of my person. Who knew that choosing a breast size would be waaaay harder than trying to find the perfect pair of blue jeans...you know, ones that fit just right on your hips and thighs at the same time, have the waistband in the proper spot to be comfortable, and look somewhat trendy at the same time. Yep, trying on cc's of saline is almost the same level of difficulty--especially when the Dr. comes in and asks " how many cc's do you want in today?" as if I walk around every day looking at women's chests trying to guess just how many cc's it would take to replicate that perfect size and shape taking into consideration that none of my own fatty tissue or breast tissue would be around to hold everything in place and fill in any gaps that the cc's couldn't.

So I'm trying to explain to Dr Agarwal that I want something like I had pre-mastectomy...I'm too lazy to go replace all my bras and clothes, so please can't I have something that fills in the darts on a tailored shirt, but doesn't make the buttons pop or gape?? Now I'm no plastic surgeon, but that sounds to me like a very reasonable request for a highly educated Dr. to perform--except that he has no personal experience with breasts...other than the silicon and saline types.

Now to make things just a little bit more complicated I have something akin to bicycle tubes (Dr. Agarwal's description when I asked him if they were like self healing mats used for sewing or stamping--yep, Ken likes that description!) filled with saline making my chest look as if it has never seen a scalpel. That description, of course, only applies to me with clothes on. Scars are healing incredibly well, but I would still attract some real attention on a nude beach in Brazil or Europe--and they wouldn't be looking at my incredibly white skin! My bike tubes have the interesting features of being highly durable, very stable, and inflatable to any size that my skin can accommodate--and my brain...I'm pretty sure my mental state can't handle anything as big as Dolly Parton (or remotely close!).

Remember that once upon a time I was a nice flat chested teen, a small/regular sort of college girl, a busty nursing mom, a depleted after nursing 4 babies mom, and an augmented post child bearing mom....it seems I've had a chance to try on every size from a training bra to a full C cup in my 38 years of being a female...so I should really know what I want, right?? But now throw into the pot that my current "expanders" are highly inflexible and contain a nice 2 1/2 " hard square where they insert the needle to fill up the expanders, and the fact that the skin may harden and contract on the left side where the radiation will take place--so shrinkage must be taken into account, and the fact that they stick the syringe full of "cc's of fluid" in while you are laying down and have no ability to see what is happening--like I know what 100 cc's or 50cc's will do to the foreign objects that I call breasts!

WTMI not withstanding I have quite the decision to make--I want to be full enough to look good in my bathing suit, but not so big that my new chest is the subject of private conversations for years to come....I really just want to get back into the normal looking category although if there is ever any defense for going huge--breast cancer would be it! Not to disappoint all you (including my cute husband) who were voting for big whoppers that would fill in the cute pink 44D bra that Sheri sent way back in October...I really just want something that looks good to me and Ken and doesn't cause back aches.

The other outstanding question is when to do reconstruction--I know for sure that it won't happen until chemo and radiation are both finished (sometime in June) but I'm still not sure how long the skin needs to recover from radiation before I can get on the schedule....and then we have the summer issues to ponder. If I need 6 weeks to recover from surgery do I really want to do it in the summer when my kids are home ?? (Perk: they can lift, carry and vacuum...but they will also be around making lots of messes that will be hard to "rest" through!) But then again, if I can't water ski with the expanders in (" how many face plants in the water can I perform before I cause damage to the bike tubes?") maybe I need to take the weeks to rest in early summer so I can water ski by August!! Oh, the decisions of life are sooo difficult! And remember that I have FOMO to work into the equation--biking, hiking, gardening...can I really "rest" when all those activities are calling? Maybe I better wait until October--too cold to garden and too warm to ski!

So now the true test of your friendship comes--do you dare tell me if I'm looking a bit top heavy?? One of my true friends did mention that I have developed the odd habit of touching my bike tube expanders (aka breasts) when people start asking me questions about cancer or the mastectomy--I poke them as if they really aren't a part of me or as if I need to touch them to remember what they really are--funny thing is that I really can't feel much when I do poke--so I guess the nerve cells aren't properly telling my brain--"hey, quit poking yourself...you're making people uncomfortable!" Thank goodness someone had the nerve to mention that....so now I'm trying not to poke in public...but will anyone be brave enough to tell me what breast size I should shoot for???? Maybe personal confrontation might be too awkward....but you could send me an anonymous email or comment on the blog...."Survey Says???"