10:41 and I'm trying to decide if I should update my thousands of fans (haha) or just go crawl into bed??? But since I'm already at the computer I guess my fans win. Who needs beauty rest anyway?
Today the sun was out and it was feeling great to be outside, walking, and acting as if there is nothing to worry about except getting Cathryn to soccer practice on time, and getting to the three other appointments I have for the evening--made 2 out of 3 so we'll call it a sucess. Just as I was enjoying the adrenaline of the walk, the phone rings and I am told that practice really isn't at 5:30 like it usually is...didn't I get the email that it was at 4:45 so that a scrimmage game could happen at 6...I hate to tell the caller who is being so kind to follow up the email with a call that her email is in a box that seems to constantly read 208 new emails!!
Believe me it isn't because I am popular, but it doesn't help that soccer season for 3 kids is starting and the coaches are emailing me constantly with updates (today's soccer emails totalled 12), my alliance organization is getting ready to transition boards and I am the outgoing president, Ken's scout committee hasn't quite figured out that he has a new email address, I have 8 siblings and a Dad that are kind enough to check in with me, it is bracket time for the College Basketball extravaganza and my bowling league and my family think that I have enough intelligence to pick the winner, many kind friends are sending emails of encouragement, and every store that I have even thought of purchasing something from sends me a least a few emails before I have the time to sort the mail and send them to the junk pile.
Of all the things I thought I would have to deal with during cancer treatment, I never thought it will be a constantly overflowing email box, and the request to blog more often! A few years ago I could barely email anything and now it has turned into a valuable tool to communicate with friends from all over the US --and how lucky am I that I have friends from all my different moves who care enough to send a quick email and say that they are praying for me. Today I got an email from a babysitter from my childhood who I haven't seen in years, a friend that I was a Nanny with in CA, a friend I met as a newlywed in New Orleans, and a friend I have made through stamping. Before email that would have been impossible...but now my ability to keep in touch with so many is made easy by that click of the mouse that sends my blog to cyberspace and my email to someone else's inbox.
I was so worried about sitting too much and feeling nauseated and in reality--that part of my life seems minimal in comparison to just keeping the laundry piles from overtaking the house, keeping up with homework and carpool requirements of the kids and trying to find time to take a 30 minute walk everyday! Frankly, I didn't think I would feel good enough to do all that stuff and I'm ecstatic that I do!! Last year at this time I was probably whining to someone about the fact that my life was soooo busy and crazy that I didn't have time to sit and watch television. This year I'm ecstatic that I'm alive and feeling good enough to be busy and crazy and I never watched TV anyway so why start now!! It's funny that little Cancer word has given me such a huge paradigm shift. I'm so happy when I feel like getting out of bed in the morning and I actually look forward to the fact that my calendar is full of opportunities like going to the school to tutor a young reader, or correct math papers for the fourth graders or watch the kindergarten kids work on their "at" chunks, or sit at a middle school library book fair--last year those were things to cross off my list with a sigh of relief at the end of the day....and this year they are opportunities to see my kids in action and appreciate all the people who make their education possible. This year I am looking at my garden hoping I will have a few "feeling good" days that will also be "good weather" days so that I can pull all those dead perennial stalks up and watch for the signs of new life coming up from the roots. I must look like a goon because I love to smile and say "great" when someone asks me how I'm doing with a look of sympathy on their face--I'm so happy to be seeing the signs of spring in myself and in the great outdoors.
I don't want someone else suffering through chemo to think that I've gotten off without any bumps and bruises...but in the scheme of things I really am getting off pretty easy--my face is dry, acne prone and wrinkled more than ever...but my eyes work, and makeup covers the rest. My throat is constantly dry and tickley...but I can sing with a water bottle in hand and cheer as loud as the other obnoxious soccer moms! Half my hair is gone and half of what is left is now grey, but a good haircut makes it look thicker and after chemo, the colorist will fix the rest! My mouth get sores, but chocolate still tastes wonderful! My smeller is hyperactive, but the spring flowers are going to be awesome in a few weeks and then a hypersmeller will be a huge perk! I am tired and have to stay in bed for a few days after chemo, but that gives me lots of time to snuggle and hug my kids and read stories (or have them read when my brain can't concentrate) and nap! Menopause hasn't happened (darn) but maybe the tamoxifin will do the trick. My breasts have no feeling, but my husband thinks I look great! My brain is quite sketchy and I loose several days of memory with each round of chemo...but I have the best excuse for being a blonde scatterbrain for at least this year! I've found that I'm not as possessed by the clock, the to-do list, or the endless list of obligations, but I do find more pleasure in being able to show up, do and participate at whatever level I can on a particular day.
I actually feel sorry for that working stiff who is still trying to make his millions so that he can be really happy--not that I'm not still scheming about the future trips I want to take, and projects around the house I want to take on, but I've been clunked over the head just enough to remember that those aren't the things that make me really happy--but sitting at the dinner table and listening to my husband and kids talk about their day is. Seeing the bloom of a crocus through the snow, hearing the piano played by hands of all skill levels, feeling good enough to cook my own dinner, fold my own laundry and scrub my own toilet, walking on a spring afternoon--I'm remembering the simple pleasures of life. And all the rest will still be there when I'm done breathing deeply and soaking it all in.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
"Survey Says????"
Disclaimer: WTMI will be in this blog!!
So one of the biggest dilemmas that I have now is trying to decide what to do with these appendages on the front of my person. Who knew that choosing a breast size would be waaaay harder than trying to find the perfect pair of blue jeans...you know, ones that fit just right on your hips and thighs at the same time, have the waistband in the proper spot to be comfortable, and look somewhat trendy at the same time. Yep, trying on cc's of saline is almost the same level of difficulty--especially when the Dr. comes in and asks " how many cc's do you want in today?" as if I walk around every day looking at women's chests trying to guess just how many cc's it would take to replicate that perfect size and shape taking into consideration that none of my own fatty tissue or breast tissue would be around to hold everything in place and fill in any gaps that the cc's couldn't.
So I'm trying to explain to Dr Agarwal that I want something like I had pre-mastectomy...I'm too lazy to go replace all my bras and clothes, so please can't I have something that fills in the darts on a tailored shirt, but doesn't make the buttons pop or gape?? Now I'm no plastic surgeon, but that sounds to me like a very reasonable request for a highly educated Dr. to perform--except that he has no personal experience with breasts...other than the silicon and saline types.
Now to make things just a little bit more complicated I have something akin to bicycle tubes (Dr. Agarwal's description when I asked him if they were like self healing mats used for sewing or stamping--yep, Ken likes that description!) filled with saline making my chest look as if it has never seen a scalpel. That description, of course, only applies to me with clothes on. Scars are healing incredibly well, but I would still attract some real attention on a nude beach in Brazil or Europe--and they wouldn't be looking at my incredibly white skin! My bike tubes have the interesting features of being highly durable, very stable, and inflatable to any size that my skin can accommodate--and my brain...I'm pretty sure my mental state can't handle anything as big as Dolly Parton (or remotely close!).
Remember that once upon a time I was a nice flat chested teen, a small/regular sort of college girl, a busty nursing mom, a depleted after nursing 4 babies mom, and an augmented post child bearing mom....it seems I've had a chance to try on every size from a training bra to a full C cup in my 38 years of being a female...so I should really know what I want, right?? But now throw into the pot that my current "expanders" are highly inflexible and contain a nice 2 1/2 " hard square where they insert the needle to fill up the expanders, and the fact that the skin may harden and contract on the left side where the radiation will take place--so shrinkage must be taken into account, and the fact that they stick the syringe full of "cc's of fluid" in while you are laying down and have no ability to see what is happening--like I know what 100 cc's or 50cc's will do to the foreign objects that I call breasts!
WTMI not withstanding I have quite the decision to make--I want to be full enough to look good in my bathing suit, but not so big that my new chest is the subject of private conversations for years to come....I really just want to get back into the normal looking category although if there is ever any defense for going huge--breast cancer would be it! Not to disappoint all you (including my cute husband) who were voting for big whoppers that would fill in the cute pink 44D bra that Sheri sent way back in October...I really just want something that looks good to me and Ken and doesn't cause back aches.
The other outstanding question is when to do reconstruction--I know for sure that it won't happen until chemo and radiation are both finished (sometime in June) but I'm still not sure how long the skin needs to recover from radiation before I can get on the schedule....and then we have the summer issues to ponder. If I need 6 weeks to recover from surgery do I really want to do it in the summer when my kids are home ?? (Perk: they can lift, carry and vacuum...but they will also be around making lots of messes that will be hard to "rest" through!) But then again, if I can't water ski with the expanders in (" how many face plants in the water can I perform before I cause damage to the bike tubes?") maybe I need to take the weeks to rest in early summer so I can water ski by August!! Oh, the decisions of life are sooo difficult! And remember that I have FOMO to work into the equation--biking, hiking, gardening...can I really "rest" when all those activities are calling? Maybe I better wait until October--too cold to garden and too warm to ski!
So now the true test of your friendship comes--do you dare tell me if I'm looking a bit top heavy?? One of my true friends did mention that I have developed the odd habit of touching my bike tube expanders (aka breasts) when people start asking me questions about cancer or the mastectomy--I poke them as if they really aren't a part of me or as if I need to touch them to remember what they really are--funny thing is that I really can't feel much when I do poke--so I guess the nerve cells aren't properly telling my brain--"hey, quit poking yourself...you're making people uncomfortable!" Thank goodness someone had the nerve to mention that....so now I'm trying not to poke in public...but will anyone be brave enough to tell me what breast size I should shoot for???? Maybe personal confrontation might be too awkward....but you could send me an anonymous email or comment on the blog...."Survey Says???"
So one of the biggest dilemmas that I have now is trying to decide what to do with these appendages on the front of my person. Who knew that choosing a breast size would be waaaay harder than trying to find the perfect pair of blue jeans...you know, ones that fit just right on your hips and thighs at the same time, have the waistband in the proper spot to be comfortable, and look somewhat trendy at the same time. Yep, trying on cc's of saline is almost the same level of difficulty--especially when the Dr. comes in and asks " how many cc's do you want in today?" as if I walk around every day looking at women's chests trying to guess just how many cc's it would take to replicate that perfect size and shape taking into consideration that none of my own fatty tissue or breast tissue would be around to hold everything in place and fill in any gaps that the cc's couldn't.
So I'm trying to explain to Dr Agarwal that I want something like I had pre-mastectomy...I'm too lazy to go replace all my bras and clothes, so please can't I have something that fills in the darts on a tailored shirt, but doesn't make the buttons pop or gape?? Now I'm no plastic surgeon, but that sounds to me like a very reasonable request for a highly educated Dr. to perform--except that he has no personal experience with breasts...other than the silicon and saline types.
Now to make things just a little bit more complicated I have something akin to bicycle tubes (Dr. Agarwal's description when I asked him if they were like self healing mats used for sewing or stamping--yep, Ken likes that description!) filled with saline making my chest look as if it has never seen a scalpel. That description, of course, only applies to me with clothes on. Scars are healing incredibly well, but I would still attract some real attention on a nude beach in Brazil or Europe--and they wouldn't be looking at my incredibly white skin! My bike tubes have the interesting features of being highly durable, very stable, and inflatable to any size that my skin can accommodate--and my brain...I'm pretty sure my mental state can't handle anything as big as Dolly Parton (or remotely close!).
Remember that once upon a time I was a nice flat chested teen, a small/regular sort of college girl, a busty nursing mom, a depleted after nursing 4 babies mom, and an augmented post child bearing mom....it seems I've had a chance to try on every size from a training bra to a full C cup in my 38 years of being a female...so I should really know what I want, right?? But now throw into the pot that my current "expanders" are highly inflexible and contain a nice 2 1/2 " hard square where they insert the needle to fill up the expanders, and the fact that the skin may harden and contract on the left side where the radiation will take place--so shrinkage must be taken into account, and the fact that they stick the syringe full of "cc's of fluid" in while you are laying down and have no ability to see what is happening--like I know what 100 cc's or 50cc's will do to the foreign objects that I call breasts!
WTMI not withstanding I have quite the decision to make--I want to be full enough to look good in my bathing suit, but not so big that my new chest is the subject of private conversations for years to come....I really just want to get back into the normal looking category although if there is ever any defense for going huge--breast cancer would be it! Not to disappoint all you (including my cute husband) who were voting for big whoppers that would fill in the cute pink 44D bra that Sheri sent way back in October...I really just want something that looks good to me and Ken and doesn't cause back aches.
The other outstanding question is when to do reconstruction--I know for sure that it won't happen until chemo and radiation are both finished (sometime in June) but I'm still not sure how long the skin needs to recover from radiation before I can get on the schedule....and then we have the summer issues to ponder. If I need 6 weeks to recover from surgery do I really want to do it in the summer when my kids are home ?? (Perk: they can lift, carry and vacuum...but they will also be around making lots of messes that will be hard to "rest" through!) But then again, if I can't water ski with the expanders in (" how many face plants in the water can I perform before I cause damage to the bike tubes?") maybe I need to take the weeks to rest in early summer so I can water ski by August!! Oh, the decisions of life are sooo difficult! And remember that I have FOMO to work into the equation--biking, hiking, gardening...can I really "rest" when all those activities are calling? Maybe I better wait until October--too cold to garden and too warm to ski!
So now the true test of your friendship comes--do you dare tell me if I'm looking a bit top heavy?? One of my true friends did mention that I have developed the odd habit of touching my bike tube expanders (aka breasts) when people start asking me questions about cancer or the mastectomy--I poke them as if they really aren't a part of me or as if I need to touch them to remember what they really are--funny thing is that I really can't feel much when I do poke--so I guess the nerve cells aren't properly telling my brain--"hey, quit poking yourself...you're making people uncomfortable!" Thank goodness someone had the nerve to mention that....so now I'm trying not to poke in public...but will anyone be brave enough to tell me what breast size I should shoot for???? Maybe personal confrontation might be too awkward....but you could send me an anonymous email or comment on the blog...."Survey Says???"
Who has time to Blog???
I can't believe it....it is already time to do my day of joy and rapture (aka chemo #5). Friday, March 7th, I will be watching the chemicals drip and sucking on a Popsicle for the second to last time....and that is an awkward phrase that sounds incredibly wonderful.
I would have blogged--but I felt way to good to sit at a computer. Chemo 4 was reminiscent of chemo #1 when I was thinking that this whole chemo thing was just too doable to be true--a few days a nausea and rest...then back up and about! I have been crazy this last month playing with my kids, painting the house, and doing just about anything that felt like my old regular life, including staying up waaaaay to late at night and then trying to drag myself out of bed in the morning. My ultimate worst bedtime was 4 am....and I was close to that time at least 3 other times and loving every minute of my quiet, alone time in the craft room or talking to my girlfriends in the wee hours of the morning. I think that cancer isn't my true sickness....time management is!
I remember the early years of being a mom--I think I obsessed over when I could climb back in bed and sleep, or could I sneak a nap in while the kids napped, or could I sneak in a nap on the floor while Cathryn was trying to keep me awake long enough to play Barbies (my one true failure as a Mom was at trying to play Barbies, Cathryn says I feel asleep every time, Rachel seconds the statement and Andria doesn't even ask! Not to leave Ryan out, I wasn't a very good Lego inventor either...but I could nap pretty well while he built some amazing things!) I guess that the brutal truth is that I have never been good at sitting still, unless it means I am sleeping!
The crazy dining room painting that Cathryn and I started the day before Chemo #4 started to drive me crazy within 24 hours of chemo...but I patiently waited at least 48 before I begged Cathryn to don her paint clothes and help me finish the job. I must give her full credit for doing the exhausting work of using the roller brush, but I was happy to be on the ladder cutting in the corners and molding and pointing out any drips or bumps! Something about painting got me wound up and before you could blink I also had Ken roped into hanging the curtain rod and helping me put everything back into place. I've decided there's nothing like cancer to get your honey to work on your "honey-do" list! Friday, Ken was headed up to ski--and having FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) like I do, and looking out my window at the beautiful canyon I couldn't resist saying that I felt fabulous and that I was going to take advantage of the great new snow (that I have missed out on most of the season!). So I got my ski gear on and hopped in the car with only an occasional feeling of nausea--any exhaustion was definitely overshadowed by the exhilaration of leaving my house to head to Alta!
Drive up was pretty good...but by the time we parked I was definitely thinking that I was overstating how great I felt...but FOMO rules and I decided I was there, skis were there, and snow was there--I better go skiing. So I sat on the bumper and did some deep breathing while Ken put on his gear then headed for the lift lines. Now for the true test....getting the skis on. Legs are pretty jello like, but skiing is downhill, so my biggest challenge will be to stay up and ski in control. Ken chatted with our chairlift companions while I concentrated on not losing my breakfast...he was very sweet to excuse me from the conversation by mentioning that had just been through chemo and was feeling a bit nauseous...our new friends weren't quite sure how to react.
The great thing about skiing with Ken is that he has incredible confidence in my abilities....maybe more than he should. But I also have the great ability to bluff and act like everything is just hunky dory--so off he went down his black diamond run while I headed down my blue square--jello legs and all. I found that I could ski quite well as long as I stopped to catch my breath and let my legs stop quivering multiple times as I headed down. No fancy moves, no powder adventures through the trees...just sticking to the highly groomed trails and staying up was like a power workout--I'm wishing I had worn my heart rate monitor as I do know that just walking up the stairs the day after chemo can put my heart rate up into the mid 130's and make me want to climb in bed and take a nap!
I actually managed to ski 4 runs...before the nausea declared itself the winner and demanded some food and water to calm the storm...not saying that I looked like Picabo Street or anything like that, but it was worth the jello legs and stares, as I stopped to breath mid mountain, to enjoy the scenery, the rides up the lift with Ken, and the nap in the car while Ken got his money's worth out of his day pass. Life is too short not to live each day to the fullest!
Not that I didn't have moments of exhaustion this last month--I just talked myself out of most of them (including tonight when my dry eyeballs would really like a break). Once I finished the dining room the can of paint for the laundry room just kept calling my name, so Monday I spent the day trying to get the dust off the baseboards and the top of the cabinets so that I could paint my crazy yellow walls with big red polka dots--I showed my favorite yellow drinking glass with red dots to Ken and told him that it was my inspiration for the laundry room, but I don't think he really thought I would paint big red dots on the wall. But I did, with the help of all my kids, and Cathryn's friend Melissa (who stayed even after Cathryn left for soccer practice) who just couldn't resist squeezing into the smallest room in the house...all at once, all with paint brushes and rollers in hand, to help me get the room painted. Between the fumes of paint and all the stories the kids were telling each other--I left the room that night with a pretty good high!
Two days later, I was finally pulling all the blue tape off the moldings and putting everything back in the laundry room. I still have that horrible white tile on the floor that shows dirt the minute after you've finished cleaning it, but I also have this cheerful yellow room with bold red polka dots on it that makes me smile every time I walk in to put in a load, move a load into the dryer, or take a load out to fold. Doing laundry has suddenly become less of a drudgery and more of a joy...not only because of the fun paint, but also because I feel good enough to do it myself. Who would have guessed joy in the laundry room would be a blessing of having cancer???
So there are other things I still need to blog about--like the reality of getting used to the foreign objects attached to the front of my body...but I am going to make a disclaimer that the next blog will be WTMI to the max--so for those of my brothers or relatives that really don't want to know the odd/funny/weird/true reality of my breasts....I'd suggest skipping the next blog or two....I'll rate the next readable one with a G rating so that you know I'm done talking about the "B" word.
I would have blogged--but I felt way to good to sit at a computer. Chemo 4 was reminiscent of chemo #1 when I was thinking that this whole chemo thing was just too doable to be true--a few days a nausea and rest...then back up and about! I have been crazy this last month playing with my kids, painting the house, and doing just about anything that felt like my old regular life, including staying up waaaaay to late at night and then trying to drag myself out of bed in the morning. My ultimate worst bedtime was 4 am....and I was close to that time at least 3 other times and loving every minute of my quiet, alone time in the craft room or talking to my girlfriends in the wee hours of the morning. I think that cancer isn't my true sickness....time management is!
I remember the early years of being a mom--I think I obsessed over when I could climb back in bed and sleep, or could I sneak a nap in while the kids napped, or could I sneak in a nap on the floor while Cathryn was trying to keep me awake long enough to play Barbies (my one true failure as a Mom was at trying to play Barbies, Cathryn says I feel asleep every time, Rachel seconds the statement and Andria doesn't even ask! Not to leave Ryan out, I wasn't a very good Lego inventor either...but I could nap pretty well while he built some amazing things!) I guess that the brutal truth is that I have never been good at sitting still, unless it means I am sleeping!
The crazy dining room painting that Cathryn and I started the day before Chemo #4 started to drive me crazy within 24 hours of chemo...but I patiently waited at least 48 before I begged Cathryn to don her paint clothes and help me finish the job. I must give her full credit for doing the exhausting work of using the roller brush, but I was happy to be on the ladder cutting in the corners and molding and pointing out any drips or bumps! Something about painting got me wound up and before you could blink I also had Ken roped into hanging the curtain rod and helping me put everything back into place. I've decided there's nothing like cancer to get your honey to work on your "honey-do" list! Friday, Ken was headed up to ski--and having FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) like I do, and looking out my window at the beautiful canyon I couldn't resist saying that I felt fabulous and that I was going to take advantage of the great new snow (that I have missed out on most of the season!). So I got my ski gear on and hopped in the car with only an occasional feeling of nausea--any exhaustion was definitely overshadowed by the exhilaration of leaving my house to head to Alta!
Drive up was pretty good...but by the time we parked I was definitely thinking that I was overstating how great I felt...but FOMO rules and I decided I was there, skis were there, and snow was there--I better go skiing. So I sat on the bumper and did some deep breathing while Ken put on his gear then headed for the lift lines. Now for the true test....getting the skis on. Legs are pretty jello like, but skiing is downhill, so my biggest challenge will be to stay up and ski in control. Ken chatted with our chairlift companions while I concentrated on not losing my breakfast...he was very sweet to excuse me from the conversation by mentioning that had just been through chemo and was feeling a bit nauseous...our new friends weren't quite sure how to react.
The great thing about skiing with Ken is that he has incredible confidence in my abilities....maybe more than he should. But I also have the great ability to bluff and act like everything is just hunky dory--so off he went down his black diamond run while I headed down my blue square--jello legs and all. I found that I could ski quite well as long as I stopped to catch my breath and let my legs stop quivering multiple times as I headed down. No fancy moves, no powder adventures through the trees...just sticking to the highly groomed trails and staying up was like a power workout--I'm wishing I had worn my heart rate monitor as I do know that just walking up the stairs the day after chemo can put my heart rate up into the mid 130's and make me want to climb in bed and take a nap!
I actually managed to ski 4 runs...before the nausea declared itself the winner and demanded some food and water to calm the storm...not saying that I looked like Picabo Street or anything like that, but it was worth the jello legs and stares, as I stopped to breath mid mountain, to enjoy the scenery, the rides up the lift with Ken, and the nap in the car while Ken got his money's worth out of his day pass. Life is too short not to live each day to the fullest!
Not that I didn't have moments of exhaustion this last month--I just talked myself out of most of them (including tonight when my dry eyeballs would really like a break). Once I finished the dining room the can of paint for the laundry room just kept calling my name, so Monday I spent the day trying to get the dust off the baseboards and the top of the cabinets so that I could paint my crazy yellow walls with big red polka dots--I showed my favorite yellow drinking glass with red dots to Ken and told him that it was my inspiration for the laundry room, but I don't think he really thought I would paint big red dots on the wall. But I did, with the help of all my kids, and Cathryn's friend Melissa (who stayed even after Cathryn left for soccer practice) who just couldn't resist squeezing into the smallest room in the house...all at once, all with paint brushes and rollers in hand, to help me get the room painted. Between the fumes of paint and all the stories the kids were telling each other--I left the room that night with a pretty good high!
Two days later, I was finally pulling all the blue tape off the moldings and putting everything back in the laundry room. I still have that horrible white tile on the floor that shows dirt the minute after you've finished cleaning it, but I also have this cheerful yellow room with bold red polka dots on it that makes me smile every time I walk in to put in a load, move a load into the dryer, or take a load out to fold. Doing laundry has suddenly become less of a drudgery and more of a joy...not only because of the fun paint, but also because I feel good enough to do it myself. Who would have guessed joy in the laundry room would be a blessing of having cancer???
So there are other things I still need to blog about--like the reality of getting used to the foreign objects attached to the front of my body...but I am going to make a disclaimer that the next blog will be WTMI to the max--so for those of my brothers or relatives that really don't want to know the odd/funny/weird/true reality of my breasts....I'd suggest skipping the next blog or two....I'll rate the next readable one with a G rating so that you know I'm done talking about the "B" word.
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