So the rumor is true--I'm done with Chemotherapy!!! I have a graduation certificate and warm lap quilt (thanks to the "Sisters of the Lone Peak Stake") to prove it...and the nurses sang me a graduation song (to the tune of Happy B-Day). It went something like this: Congratulations to you, your chemotherapy is through, We wish you good health, and Happiness too! I hugged them all and said "Thanks, I hope to never see you here again!"--and they agreed!
Once the infusion was over and the excitement of the moment was over--it was on to the reality of feeling yucky for the next few days...and totally exhuasted....and a total chemo brain! Now I know that all of you think that you have forgetful moments just like mine, but unless you've had chemo I will beg to differ. There is something different about chemo brain--it is more like pure glitches in the machinery or pure lapses of time and reality even when you are making a tremendous effort to keep a grip on it. Look it up...it is listed as a tangible side affect of chemo and to make matters worse Dr. Buys asked me how my chemo brain was doing...and offered to sign me up as a "chemo brain study participant" if things weren't looking better by my July 1 follow-up appointment.
Please, don't let me be eligible to be a participant in a chemo brain study...I really need to be functioning on "all 8 cylinders" as my husband would say--so that I can handle my three kids who are all playing soccer this season, plus one playing basketball on top of that and one child begging to be able to play! Suddenly I am extremely grateful that most of this cancer treatment has taken place during the dead of winter when only Ryan was playing basketball and the girls were taking a break from most of their obligations to sports. Now we are back to the crazy schedule of having all three of them practice on Thursday night...and various other practices happening on every other night of the week--and I'm trying to keep track of all those ins and outs of the house with only a partially functioning brain.
Did I mention that I am sooooo grateful that there are no more sessions of chemo to come??? Can't imagine the flood of phone calls from kids who have been left at soccer practice "who is coming to pick me up???" What, Who, Where....do I have 4 children??? are you talking to me...do you have the right number....OH, yeah....I'm remembering now--yesterday was chemo, I had the schedule all worked out....ooops then I forgot to call all those mom's to help me!!! Details, Details--
Chemo should have come with a big red label reading "chemo and motherhood calendars should never be mixed!" Arrange for surrogate mother for at least 4 days after the injestion of this infusion. This drug may cause: sleepiness, forgetfulness, nausea, crankiness and general confusion and a tendency to check out of reality for long periods of time. Memory glitches may never be retrieved--Take this Drug at your own risk...the management is not responsible for any actions contrived or percieved by the taker!!
I think maybe I could be eligible for damages--anyone know a good lawyer who will fight for me to recoup my losses?
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Quick Update...if quick is possible for me???
For days I've been thinking of all the things I should record in this blog of my cancer life....the topics seem endless-- 1-I'm tired of reading statements by perfectly healthy people that we need to quit thinking negative thoughts about cancer...because the world responds to negative vibes and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer, 2- I'm just plain tired, 3-what great sports my spouse and kids have been during this ordeal, 4-I'm so happy to feel like getting out of bed before 8 am, 5- what psychological damage my kids are suffering because of my cancer, 6-Andria has turned into a death obsessed, fearful of anyone picking her up from kindergarten but me (and I forget to show up half the time) 6 year old child, 7-how grateful I am for supportive friends....the list that goes through my head of all the ways cancer has affected my life and all the things I am learning about myself and life in general seem to be flowing through my head constantly and I am a continual torrent of feeling grateful and then all the same bugged that I even have to deal with thoughts of never seeing grandchildren (I am planning to see them, but that nagging thought would never have crossed my mind at this age if cancer hadn't invaded my mind) pre-menopausal hormone flashes and PMS emotions all in the same day, feeling healthy and then spending my day rearranging doctor appts (do healthy people do that?).
Maybe I just have to admit that everyday seems like a crap shoot--I never know what emotions I am going to be dealing with from one moment to the next....One minute I'm feeling like I have things undercontrol and I have a great attitude and the next I am feeling so overwhelmed that I can barely breathe--did I mention that last week during chemo I forgot to arrange for someone to bring Andria home from Kindergarten and the school had to call me three times??? So I felt like the worst mother in the world after I dragged myself out of bed and drove the 2 blocks to the school and dragged myself (scary sweats and bad bed hair and all) into the school office to retrieve my child and cried myself into the driveway....and then when I asked Andria what she was going to do with a Mom that kept forgetting to pick her up...she answered without hesitation "I'll just call you to come get me and I'll still love you even when you forget". I'm hoping that she really is that forgiving and that I'm not insuring some therapist years of instant income!
And then on top of it all I listen to my amazing friend who is dealing with terminal breast cancer give me advice on how to prepare for radiation--like it's no big deal and it's just a regular part of life. I've yet to hear her say anything that isn't positive and productive in regards to dealing with this reality of her own mortality...and I wonder if I could be so positive if I really knew that I had a finite amount of time left to love my kids and husband and enjoy my life....and then today I heard of another young mom who is facing a breast cancer diagnosis....and all day I keep thinking about how hard it was to adjust to the fact that I had cancer and it wasn't just a bad April Fool's joke....and how adapting and rearranging life is such a hurdle to adapt to...and then I look around at all the hurdles that other people are facing and realize that life is one big course of hurdles and I am feeling like a seventh grader again--at a track meet and signed up by Coach Thomas to run the 220 hurdles and I'd never jumped a hurdle in my life. So I guess I'll do what I did back when I was 12 years old and thought I could do anything--I'll put on a smile and tie up my track shoes and run and jump like I have a clue what I'm doing... I didn't win the race and I don't think I showed enough potential for Coach to sign me up for hurdles again....but I didn't quit, pout, or cry on the sidelines--so there probably is hope for me to finish this race too...it may not be a graceful finish, but I plan to cross the line with a smile on my face and know that I can survive one more thing that I never knew I had the capacity to survive.
Maybe I just have to admit that everyday seems like a crap shoot--I never know what emotions I am going to be dealing with from one moment to the next....One minute I'm feeling like I have things undercontrol and I have a great attitude and the next I am feeling so overwhelmed that I can barely breathe--did I mention that last week during chemo I forgot to arrange for someone to bring Andria home from Kindergarten and the school had to call me three times??? So I felt like the worst mother in the world after I dragged myself out of bed and drove the 2 blocks to the school and dragged myself (scary sweats and bad bed hair and all) into the school office to retrieve my child and cried myself into the driveway....and then when I asked Andria what she was going to do with a Mom that kept forgetting to pick her up...she answered without hesitation "I'll just call you to come get me and I'll still love you even when you forget". I'm hoping that she really is that forgiving and that I'm not insuring some therapist years of instant income!
And then on top of it all I listen to my amazing friend who is dealing with terminal breast cancer give me advice on how to prepare for radiation--like it's no big deal and it's just a regular part of life. I've yet to hear her say anything that isn't positive and productive in regards to dealing with this reality of her own mortality...and I wonder if I could be so positive if I really knew that I had a finite amount of time left to love my kids and husband and enjoy my life....and then today I heard of another young mom who is facing a breast cancer diagnosis....and all day I keep thinking about how hard it was to adjust to the fact that I had cancer and it wasn't just a bad April Fool's joke....and how adapting and rearranging life is such a hurdle to adapt to...and then I look around at all the hurdles that other people are facing and realize that life is one big course of hurdles and I am feeling like a seventh grader again--at a track meet and signed up by Coach Thomas to run the 220 hurdles and I'd never jumped a hurdle in my life. So I guess I'll do what I did back when I was 12 years old and thought I could do anything--I'll put on a smile and tie up my track shoes and run and jump like I have a clue what I'm doing... I didn't win the race and I don't think I showed enough potential for Coach to sign me up for hurdles again....but I didn't quit, pout, or cry on the sidelines--so there probably is hope for me to finish this race too...it may not be a graceful finish, but I plan to cross the line with a smile on my face and know that I can survive one more thing that I never knew I had the capacity to survive.
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