For days I've been thinking of all the things I should record in this blog of my cancer life....the topics seem endless-- 1-I'm tired of reading statements by perfectly healthy people that we need to quit thinking negative thoughts about cancer...because the world responds to negative vibes and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer, 2- I'm just plain tired, 3-what great sports my spouse and kids have been during this ordeal, 4-I'm so happy to feel like getting out of bed before 8 am, 5- what psychological damage my kids are suffering because of my cancer, 6-Andria has turned into a death obsessed, fearful of anyone picking her up from kindergarten but me (and I forget to show up half the time) 6 year old child, 7-how grateful I am for supportive friends....the list that goes through my head of all the ways cancer has affected my life and all the things I am learning about myself and life in general seem to be flowing through my head constantly and I am a continual torrent of feeling grateful and then all the same bugged that I even have to deal with thoughts of never seeing grandchildren (I am planning to see them, but that nagging thought would never have crossed my mind at this age if cancer hadn't invaded my mind) pre-menopausal hormone flashes and PMS emotions all in the same day, feeling healthy and then spending my day rearranging doctor appts (do healthy people do that?).
Maybe I just have to admit that everyday seems like a crap shoot--I never know what emotions I am going to be dealing with from one moment to the next....One minute I'm feeling like I have things undercontrol and I have a great attitude and the next I am feeling so overwhelmed that I can barely breathe--did I mention that last week during chemo I forgot to arrange for someone to bring Andria home from Kindergarten and the school had to call me three times??? So I felt like the worst mother in the world after I dragged myself out of bed and drove the 2 blocks to the school and dragged myself (scary sweats and bad bed hair and all) into the school office to retrieve my child and cried myself into the driveway....and then when I asked Andria what she was going to do with a Mom that kept forgetting to pick her up...she answered without hesitation "I'll just call you to come get me and I'll still love you even when you forget". I'm hoping that she really is that forgiving and that I'm not insuring some therapist years of instant income!
And then on top of it all I listen to my amazing friend who is dealing with terminal breast cancer give me advice on how to prepare for radiation--like it's no big deal and it's just a regular part of life. I've yet to hear her say anything that isn't positive and productive in regards to dealing with this reality of her own mortality...and I wonder if I could be so positive if I really knew that I had a finite amount of time left to love my kids and husband and enjoy my life....and then today I heard of another young mom who is facing a breast cancer diagnosis....and all day I keep thinking about how hard it was to adjust to the fact that I had cancer and it wasn't just a bad April Fool's joke....and how adapting and rearranging life is such a hurdle to adapt to...and then I look around at all the hurdles that other people are facing and realize that life is one big course of hurdles and I am feeling like a seventh grader again--at a track meet and signed up by Coach Thomas to run the 220 hurdles and I'd never jumped a hurdle in my life. So I guess I'll do what I did back when I was 12 years old and thought I could do anything--I'll put on a smile and tie up my track shoes and run and jump like I have a clue what I'm doing... I didn't win the race and I don't think I showed enough potential for Coach to sign me up for hurdles again....but I didn't quit, pout, or cry on the sidelines--so there probably is hope for me to finish this race too...it may not be a graceful finish, but I plan to cross the line with a smile on my face and know that I can survive one more thing that I never knew I had the capacity to survive.
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