Spring is in the air and in my step!

10:41 and I'm trying to decide if I should update my thousands of fans (haha) or just go crawl into bed??? But since I'm already at the computer I guess my fans win. Who needs beauty rest anyway?

Today the sun was out and it was feeling great to be outside, walking, and acting as if there is nothing to worry about except getting Cathryn to soccer practice on time, and getting to the three other appointments I have for the evening--made 2 out of 3 so we'll call it a sucess. Just as I was enjoying the adrenaline of the walk, the phone rings and I am told that practice really isn't at 5:30 like it usually is...didn't I get the email that it was at 4:45 so that a scrimmage game could happen at 6...I hate to tell the caller who is being so kind to follow up the email with a call that her email is in a box that seems to constantly read 208 new emails!!

Believe me it isn't because I am popular, but it doesn't help that soccer season for 3 kids is starting and the coaches are emailing me constantly with updates (today's soccer emails totalled 12), my alliance organization is getting ready to transition boards and I am the outgoing president, Ken's scout committee hasn't quite figured out that he has a new email address, I have 8 siblings and a Dad that are kind enough to check in with me, it is bracket time for the College Basketball extravaganza and my bowling league and my family think that I have enough intelligence to pick the winner, many kind friends are sending emails of encouragement, and every store that I have even thought of purchasing something from sends me a least a few emails before I have the time to sort the mail and send them to the junk pile.

Of all the things I thought I would have to deal with during cancer treatment, I never thought it will be a constantly overflowing email box, and the request to blog more often! A few years ago I could barely email anything and now it has turned into a valuable tool to communicate with friends from all over the US --and how lucky am I that I have friends from all my different moves who care enough to send a quick email and say that they are praying for me. Today I got an email from a babysitter from my childhood who I haven't seen in years, a friend that I was a Nanny with in CA, a friend I met as a newlywed in New Orleans, and a friend I have made through stamping. Before email that would have been impossible...but now my ability to keep in touch with so many is made easy by that click of the mouse that sends my blog to cyberspace and my email to someone else's inbox.

I was so worried about sitting too much and feeling nauseated and in reality--that part of my life seems minimal in comparison to just keeping the laundry piles from overtaking the house, keeping up with homework and carpool requirements of the kids and trying to find time to take a 30 minute walk everyday! Frankly, I didn't think I would feel good enough to do all that stuff and I'm ecstatic that I do!! Last year at this time I was probably whining to someone about the fact that my life was soooo busy and crazy that I didn't have time to sit and watch television. This year I'm ecstatic that I'm alive and feeling good enough to be busy and crazy and I never watched TV anyway so why start now!! It's funny that little Cancer word has given me such a huge paradigm shift. I'm so happy when I feel like getting out of bed in the morning and I actually look forward to the fact that my calendar is full of opportunities like going to the school to tutor a young reader, or correct math papers for the fourth graders or watch the kindergarten kids work on their "at" chunks, or sit at a middle school library book fair--last year those were things to cross off my list with a sigh of relief at the end of the day....and this year they are opportunities to see my kids in action and appreciate all the people who make their education possible. This year I am looking at my garden hoping I will have a few "feeling good" days that will also be "good weather" days so that I can pull all those dead perennial stalks up and watch for the signs of new life coming up from the roots. I must look like a goon because I love to smile and say "great" when someone asks me how I'm doing with a look of sympathy on their face--I'm so happy to be seeing the signs of spring in myself and in the great outdoors.

I don't want someone else suffering through chemo to think that I've gotten off without any bumps and bruises...but in the scheme of things I really am getting off pretty easy--my face is dry, acne prone and wrinkled more than ever...but my eyes work, and makeup covers the rest. My throat is constantly dry and tickley...but I can sing with a water bottle in hand and cheer as loud as the other obnoxious soccer moms! Half my hair is gone and half of what is left is now grey, but a good haircut makes it look thicker and after chemo, the colorist will fix the rest! My mouth get sores, but chocolate still tastes wonderful! My smeller is hyperactive, but the spring flowers are going to be awesome in a few weeks and then a hypersmeller will be a huge perk! I am tired and have to stay in bed for a few days after chemo, but that gives me lots of time to snuggle and hug my kids and read stories (or have them read when my brain can't concentrate) and nap! Menopause hasn't happened (darn) but maybe the tamoxifin will do the trick. My breasts have no feeling, but my husband thinks I look great! My brain is quite sketchy and I loose several days of memory with each round of chemo...but I have the best excuse for being a blonde scatterbrain for at least this year! I've found that I'm not as possessed by the clock, the to-do list, or the endless list of obligations, but I do find more pleasure in being able to show up, do and participate at whatever level I can on a particular day.

I actually feel sorry for that working stiff who is still trying to make his millions so that he can be really happy--not that I'm not still scheming about the future trips I want to take, and projects around the house I want to take on, but I've been clunked over the head just enough to remember that those aren't the things that make me really happy--but sitting at the dinner table and listening to my husband and kids talk about their day is. Seeing the bloom of a crocus through the snow, hearing the piano played by hands of all skill levels, feeling good enough to cook my own dinner, fold my own laundry and scrub my own toilet, walking on a spring afternoon--I'm remembering the simple pleasures of life. And all the rest will still be there when I'm done breathing deeply and soaking it all in.