I think someone forgot to send the memo to my childrens' teachers that I have cancer.
I do keep trying to remind the University of Utah OR schedulers and all my family and friends that "the world does revolve around me...I mean, I HAVE CANCER !!!" Doesn't anyone running the clock, calendar and events scheduling know that I need more sleep, more attention from my husband and kids and way more time to just sit and read books and catch up on all those soap operas that I haven't even thought about watching for the last 20 years???
Everyone keeps telling me that I need to slow down and rest...but they forgot to tell that to the laundry, dishes, Santa projects, the school projects, the reading assignments, book reports, piano practicing, soccer games, basketball games, birthdays, haircuts, band concerts, early days at school, ...you know, all the daily living stuff.
So when I get done taking care of the very basics like making sure my child has had a bath in the last week...you will find me sitting in the recliner with the pile of good books and handiwork projects that I put in a "recuperating from cancer" pile just before I went into surgery (which was October 22nd...where has the time gone?). The up side of all this daily living is that I don't have much time to worry about how chemo is treating me or what is coming next round (hopefully much of the same!)...the down side is that rest is still a bit elusive. So until the bathing of a 6 and 9 year old no longer depend on my help....I guess my resting moments will have to be spent cuddling with a youngster that still needs to complete the daily 25 minutes of reading...well, 25 for today and who knows how much more for all the other days we missed this week--It could be worse, I could be sitting in a green lounge chair in the infusion room at Huntsman for 1 1/2 hours of REST and chemo. I think I choose homework!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
chemo side effects
Lucky for you, Ken forgot to bring the camera. Not that I had a bad hair day on Tuesday, but the scenery was pretty unexciting in the infusion room. Nurses, IV poles, green recliners and cancer patients- sleeping, reading books, eating lunch, and working on their computers--but one bonus--no hospital gowns-just everyday clothes.
Luckily all the nervous energy got worked off during the week and I was able to sleep well and show up Tuesday for all my final appointments with the surgeons who were giving the final go ahead as long as mastectomy wounds were sufficiently healed. They all gave thumbs up so it was off for an IV stick and down to the infusion waiting room. Ken was working acute pain so he dropped in here and there, but I nabbed a ride to the hospital from friend Dianne, and roped another friend Jennifer into being my chemo companion (anyone other than me amazed by how many friends I have named Jennifer??) Of course I came prepared with a stamping project in case we had a wait--so when you get our Christmas cards I can't take all the credit--Jennifer and I cranked through 40 before they took me back for the real fun--well, in reality it really wasn't that exciting. I sat in a green recliner with a pillow and warm blanket while an IV dripped all kinds of good stuff and a cute nurse named (of course) Jennifer pushed the other chemicals into the IV with a syringe and gave me the chemo 101 talk.
Things I learned during chemo 101--I don't have to be a hermit (yeah!) I do have to be careful around people with colds, have my kids wash wash wash their hands, no sharing chapstick, towels, or eating off my kids' plates. Throw out any expired food or old leftovers, and replace my toothbrush and makeup--But my favorite new word is "knosh" (at least I think that is how you spell it) Janet, the nurse Practitioner, said that I should knosh--or in less yiddish terms I am supposed to eat a little bit all day long instead of waiting to eat 3 big meals. Did I mention that knoshing usually helps breast cancer patients gain an average of 10 pounds...but supposedly that is better than constant nausea?!? So bring on the cheerios, saltines and gingerale--let the knoshing begin!
So far, so good--tried spacing out the nausea meds a bit too far yesterday am--and paid the price. Took another pill and ended up sleeping for the next 4 hours. Thank goodness for friends who pick Andria up when I don't show up--I'm a borderline case for a social worker--except that my friends keep me out of trouble! Rest of the day went well and I even at a normal dinner-although I must admit that I'm not running around at my usual high speed. Today is slow, but feeling pretty good--maybe slow for me is almost as hard as dealing with nausea.
Okay--for the humor of Chemo from Rachel and Andria as I headed out the door while a neighbor helped them get off to school--Andria hugged me goodbye and asked, "Mom will you still have your hair when you get home today?" I reassured her that hair loss is not very likely, hugged Rachel and headed to the door and heard Rachel yell out " Don't have too much fun today,Mom, Ya hear?!" Pretty hard to cry on the way out the door when someone is being humorous--so I smiled and came home feeling like I had a great day--professional directing my care, friends calling and painting my fingernails pink, packages, cupcakes, emails and lots of hugs from my family--crazy way to get attention, but I'll take the good side effects any day!
Luckily all the nervous energy got worked off during the week and I was able to sleep well and show up Tuesday for all my final appointments with the surgeons who were giving the final go ahead as long as mastectomy wounds were sufficiently healed. They all gave thumbs up so it was off for an IV stick and down to the infusion waiting room. Ken was working acute pain so he dropped in here and there, but I nabbed a ride to the hospital from friend Dianne, and roped another friend Jennifer into being my chemo companion (anyone other than me amazed by how many friends I have named Jennifer??) Of course I came prepared with a stamping project in case we had a wait--so when you get our Christmas cards I can't take all the credit--Jennifer and I cranked through 40 before they took me back for the real fun--well, in reality it really wasn't that exciting. I sat in a green recliner with a pillow and warm blanket while an IV dripped all kinds of good stuff and a cute nurse named (of course) Jennifer pushed the other chemicals into the IV with a syringe and gave me the chemo 101 talk.
Things I learned during chemo 101--I don't have to be a hermit (yeah!) I do have to be careful around people with colds, have my kids wash wash wash their hands, no sharing chapstick, towels, or eating off my kids' plates. Throw out any expired food or old leftovers, and replace my toothbrush and makeup--But my favorite new word is "knosh" (at least I think that is how you spell it) Janet, the nurse Practitioner, said that I should knosh--or in less yiddish terms I am supposed to eat a little bit all day long instead of waiting to eat 3 big meals. Did I mention that knoshing usually helps breast cancer patients gain an average of 10 pounds...but supposedly that is better than constant nausea?!? So bring on the cheerios, saltines and gingerale--let the knoshing begin!
So far, so good--tried spacing out the nausea meds a bit too far yesterday am--and paid the price. Took another pill and ended up sleeping for the next 4 hours. Thank goodness for friends who pick Andria up when I don't show up--I'm a borderline case for a social worker--except that my friends keep me out of trouble! Rest of the day went well and I even at a normal dinner-although I must admit that I'm not running around at my usual high speed. Today is slow, but feeling pretty good--maybe slow for me is almost as hard as dealing with nausea.
Okay--for the humor of Chemo from Rachel and Andria as I headed out the door while a neighbor helped them get off to school--Andria hugged me goodbye and asked, "Mom will you still have your hair when you get home today?" I reassured her that hair loss is not very likely, hugged Rachel and headed to the door and heard Rachel yell out " Don't have too much fun today,Mom, Ya hear?!" Pretty hard to cry on the way out the door when someone is being humorous--so I smiled and came home feeling like I had a great day--professional directing my care, friends calling and painting my fingernails pink, packages, cupcakes, emails and lots of hugs from my family--crazy way to get attention, but I'll take the good side effects any day!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Preparing for Chemo 101
So here I am at midnight blogging...my friends and family would say that is the true sign that I am feeling like myself, but I am going to blame my late night energy on the fact that I still need a nap in the afternoon!
The reality is that I have nervous energy. I think this is something like a college freshman has the week before he/she leaves home and has the feeling that they must do everything one last time before they leave the security of the nest and start a new phase of their life. There is a similar syndrome I have noticed in my brothers as they have prepared to leave on missions--the urge to cram everything in one last time before life changes for a specific period of time. Or maybe its that nesting urge that new mothers have--that feeling that you have to get as much done as you can before that bundle of joy arrives that will change your life forever. So chemo isn't exactly something to look forward to like a new baby or that freshman year at college...but it certainly qualifies as something that is going to change my routine for a specific period of time and will probably change the way I look at life for the next 50 years.
So since my last blog--the ONCO Type DX (oops think I called it a DS last blog--too lazy to go back and edit!) it was basically a sophisticated look at the cancer to attempt a risk of recurrence--and mine came back low--which is good--it placed my chance of recurrence at 9% in the next ten years. So now why am I going through with Chemo?? Because, honestly, I'm an overachiever and 10 years just isn't enough!! Since there are no studies that have gone for 40 years and we just don't know what the cancer plans on doing in the long term we are choosing to "spray the yard for weeds"--seems funny that Ken just spent the weekend giving the lawn its last dose of weed and feed to prepare the lawn for a healthy start in the spring just before our first snow arrived today...and I will go through the same process starting Tuesday--to prepare for future years of healthy springs. So bring on the chemo--It may put me into menopause so I figure I have lots of excuses for my mood swings for the next 18 weeks--and possibly the rest of my life. I have a few cute hats in case the hair thins or decides to exit entirely which my personal medical team (that makes me feel like I'm getting special attention if I call all the nurses, secretaries, lab techs, Drs etc etc...my "personal medical team") assures me is only a slight possibility...but most importantly I have a big fan club to cheer me on and help me do the laundry when I'm not feeling up to it....which I'm thinking might last the rest of my life too!!
So until Tuesday--you may not be able to get in touch--I'm out of the house and running like crazy!! So much Christmas Shopping and so little time!! Trying to enjoy the fact that I finally feel like myself again and can drive, cook, clean, hug, do laundry, take a shower without needing a nap and stay up past midnight. Life is good and I'm planning on living it up until the chemo makes me stop. Hug your friends and enjoy the fact that you can stress out about Christmas--Life is a precious gift and hopefully you can enjoy it without needing a crisis in your life to remind you--use my crisis and skip that step entirely!! Love you all--Jenifer
The reality is that I have nervous energy. I think this is something like a college freshman has the week before he/she leaves home and has the feeling that they must do everything one last time before they leave the security of the nest and start a new phase of their life. There is a similar syndrome I have noticed in my brothers as they have prepared to leave on missions--the urge to cram everything in one last time before life changes for a specific period of time. Or maybe its that nesting urge that new mothers have--that feeling that you have to get as much done as you can before that bundle of joy arrives that will change your life forever. So chemo isn't exactly something to look forward to like a new baby or that freshman year at college...but it certainly qualifies as something that is going to change my routine for a specific period of time and will probably change the way I look at life for the next 50 years.
So since my last blog--the ONCO Type DX (oops think I called it a DS last blog--too lazy to go back and edit!) it was basically a sophisticated look at the cancer to attempt a risk of recurrence--and mine came back low--which is good--it placed my chance of recurrence at 9% in the next ten years. So now why am I going through with Chemo?? Because, honestly, I'm an overachiever and 10 years just isn't enough!! Since there are no studies that have gone for 40 years and we just don't know what the cancer plans on doing in the long term we are choosing to "spray the yard for weeds"--seems funny that Ken just spent the weekend giving the lawn its last dose of weed and feed to prepare the lawn for a healthy start in the spring just before our first snow arrived today...and I will go through the same process starting Tuesday--to prepare for future years of healthy springs. So bring on the chemo--It may put me into menopause so I figure I have lots of excuses for my mood swings for the next 18 weeks--and possibly the rest of my life. I have a few cute hats in case the hair thins or decides to exit entirely which my personal medical team (that makes me feel like I'm getting special attention if I call all the nurses, secretaries, lab techs, Drs etc etc...my "personal medical team") assures me is only a slight possibility...but most importantly I have a big fan club to cheer me on and help me do the laundry when I'm not feeling up to it....which I'm thinking might last the rest of my life too!!
So until Tuesday--you may not be able to get in touch--I'm out of the house and running like crazy!! So much Christmas Shopping and so little time!! Trying to enjoy the fact that I finally feel like myself again and can drive, cook, clean, hug, do laundry, take a shower without needing a nap and stay up past midnight. Life is good and I'm planning on living it up until the chemo makes me stop. Hug your friends and enjoy the fact that you can stress out about Christmas--Life is a precious gift and hopefully you can enjoy it without needing a crisis in your life to remind you--use my crisis and skip that step entirely!! Love you all--Jenifer
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Decision Dilemnas
Somehow I haven't had the nerve to blog lately--either that, or I've been trying to live somewhat of a normal life and by the end of the day there is no energy left to do anything but sleep. Okay, the reality is somewhere between the two excuses and four weeks post surgery I am still wondering what the next step is in dealing with my specific cancer perameters.
Originally we talked about the cancer as this tiny "zit" (Ken's beautifully descriptive word not mine) that maybe we were attacking with the bazooka guns, then after much conversation and research with real breast cancer survivors and Dr's and books and educational materials we came to accept that even a small "zit" of cancer is unpredictable enough to treat as a serious illness. Surgery came and went and now as the incisions are healing and energy is returning the long term reality of dealing with my cancer variables has hit. I have variable which seem to place me directly in the middle of not knowing for sure what the best plan of attack is, but here are the details for you to analyze.
So here are the facts as we knew them post biopsy--1.1mm invasive ductal Carcinoma and Ductal Carinoma in Situ with Cancerization of Lobules, Estrogen receptor positive Her2 negative.
In simplified terms...invasive means the cancer has spread into other breast tissue outside of the ducts, Cancer is early-stage 1 because of small size (good news)and only has 10% or less chance of recurrence. Estrogen receptor also indicates less chance of recurrence and the good news is that Tamoxifen can be taken for 5 years after treatment to block estrogen from promoting new cancer growth in the rest of the body. Her2 negative also points toward lower likelihood of recurrence. Recommendations for treatment: mastectomy of left cancerous breast, followed by radiation and tamoxifen. Double mastectomy chosen just to be on the safe side and not have a repeat case in later years (remember I do have lots of those....I AM YOUNG!!)
THe new and more extensive post Mastectomy and node biopsy reveals: all lymph nodes negative (great!)Estrogen receptor positive (tamoxifen treatment available-good) infiltrative ductal carcinoma with lobular features is 1.1cm (not detected on mammogram or MRI--not so good) cells are moderately differentiated( not so good), margins are not clear (radiation necessary on left breast only) Her 2 status is positive (not so good).
Consultations with surgeons and oncologist suggest that the larger tumor and Her2 status plus the moderately differentiated cells plus my young age are tipping the scale toward chemo--and several types of chemo are offered to choose from. Then one more factor puts us back on the fence--Her2 status is tested with a "fish" test (more sophisticated, more detailed) and Her2 status is bumped back to negative. So that makes the chemo my choice--benefits of having chemo are not know for sure--neither are benefits/risks of skipping the chemo.
Is anyone else feeling confused right now??--I sure am!
Ken and I weigh all the offered chemo options: CMF course is once every 3 weeks--6 sessions--pros: hair thinning more likely than total hair loss, less nausea, Cons: menopause, fatigue. AC chemo is once every 3 weeks, only 4 sessions--pros: shorter, reduces risk 1-3% points more than CMF. Cons: total hair loss, small chance of permanent heart damage. After much debate we lean toward CMF course of chemo just as a precaution in case some undetectable cancer lurks somewhere in my body--remember I'm shooting to be a 50 year cancer survivor!
So we meet with surgeons to double check mastectomy healing and with the Oncologist to schedule....Plastic surgeon wants two more weeks to let scabs heal...Oncologist agrees to ten days--December 4th is the scheduled beginning of chemical torture (my description..not the Drs!) and the second round can be bumped by a day or two to let me have the second round the day after Christmas instead of just before. Everyone seems happy with the decision to move forward--the only test that isn't back is the ONCOType DS--some sophisticated way of looking at the cancer cells and predicting what the chances of recurrence will be. Discussion between the Drs at tumor board was that all the Onco Type tests that have come back up to this point always categorize the cancer as mid-grade ( medium risk of recurrence)...so everyone debates the worth of test vs cost ($3200) which is not always considered an eligible insurance cost--we opt to go ahead with the test and we all agree that if test comes back mid-grade on the lower end we can reevaluate chemo efficacy...if on the higher end of "mid-grade" we'll keep the chemo as scheduled.
So I'm busy mentally gearing myself up for the next step--calling fellow cancer warriors to see how their experiences have been...gathering info and processing. And today Ken calls from his in house call duty to say that the ONCO type test is back (30 minutes after the Oncology secretary calls me to say test isn't back...we'll talk on Monday) and for the first time we have a low score to present to the Oncology team--so here we go into the holiday weekend back at the beginning.....recovering from the original surgery--grateful we did both breasts at once (did I mention that the larger tumor increased my risk of recurrence on the other side to 30%?) knowing we need radiation for sure...but back on the fence about chemo. Have I mentioned that I'm happier when there is a plan????
So I'll end my confusion for the night with a list of the things I know I'm grateful for at the moment--inspite of the uncertainty of what to do next: caring, compassionate, knowledgeable healthcare providers that work as a team; warm cinnamon rolls brought by caring neighbors; phone calls of concern; emails and cards that keep proving (as ken says) that I'm the most popular person in the house (we can actually say the we get more personal correspondence than bills these days--silver lining!); Lots of hugs and kisses from my husband and kids; the ability to drive 70 mph on the freeway after 4 weeks of no driving; a walk through the neighborhood with a friend who listens while I talk and talk and talk; friends who get my kids off to school while I head to Dr. appts; friends who pick my kids up from school while I'm still at appointments; warm, yummy dinners that appear in the kitchen just in time for me to feed the family after waking up from my post-appointment naps; laundry that disappears from my laundry hampers and comes back washed, dried, and ready to put back in drawers; neighbors who help pull garbage cans out the curb and back to the house when all my able-bodied family members are at work and school; cute hats just in case I have to go bald; pints of haagen-das icecream to eat straight from the container for an afternoon snack with the kids; beautiful flowers and yummy edible fruit bouquets; lots and lots of chocolate; house elves that show up and put the house back together--or run the house for days without letting me lift a finger. The list could go on forever, but I think we all get the idea!! It's hard to feel sorry for myself for very long when I start counting my blessings and realizing what an amazing outpouring of love and support that our family is experiencing. And most of all thanks for your prayers--from all ages and every denomination your faith and prayers continue to lift and sustain our family. We love you and hope you all have as many blessings to count this Thanksgiving as we do!
Originally we talked about the cancer as this tiny "zit" (Ken's beautifully descriptive word not mine) that maybe we were attacking with the bazooka guns, then after much conversation and research with real breast cancer survivors and Dr's and books and educational materials we came to accept that even a small "zit" of cancer is unpredictable enough to treat as a serious illness. Surgery came and went and now as the incisions are healing and energy is returning the long term reality of dealing with my cancer variables has hit. I have variable which seem to place me directly in the middle of not knowing for sure what the best plan of attack is, but here are the details for you to analyze.
So here are the facts as we knew them post biopsy--1.1mm invasive ductal Carcinoma and Ductal Carinoma in Situ with Cancerization of Lobules, Estrogen receptor positive Her2 negative.
In simplified terms...invasive means the cancer has spread into other breast tissue outside of the ducts, Cancer is early-stage 1 because of small size (good news)and only has 10% or less chance of recurrence. Estrogen receptor also indicates less chance of recurrence and the good news is that Tamoxifen can be taken for 5 years after treatment to block estrogen from promoting new cancer growth in the rest of the body. Her2 negative also points toward lower likelihood of recurrence. Recommendations for treatment: mastectomy of left cancerous breast, followed by radiation and tamoxifen. Double mastectomy chosen just to be on the safe side and not have a repeat case in later years (remember I do have lots of those....I AM YOUNG!!)
THe new and more extensive post Mastectomy and node biopsy reveals: all lymph nodes negative (great!)Estrogen receptor positive (tamoxifen treatment available-good) infiltrative ductal carcinoma with lobular features is 1.1cm (not detected on mammogram or MRI--not so good) cells are moderately differentiated( not so good), margins are not clear (radiation necessary on left breast only) Her 2 status is positive (not so good).
Consultations with surgeons and oncologist suggest that the larger tumor and Her2 status plus the moderately differentiated cells plus my young age are tipping the scale toward chemo--and several types of chemo are offered to choose from. Then one more factor puts us back on the fence--Her2 status is tested with a "fish" test (more sophisticated, more detailed) and Her2 status is bumped back to negative. So that makes the chemo my choice--benefits of having chemo are not know for sure--neither are benefits/risks of skipping the chemo.
Is anyone else feeling confused right now??--I sure am!
Ken and I weigh all the offered chemo options: CMF course is once every 3 weeks--6 sessions--pros: hair thinning more likely than total hair loss, less nausea, Cons: menopause, fatigue. AC chemo is once every 3 weeks, only 4 sessions--pros: shorter, reduces risk 1-3% points more than CMF. Cons: total hair loss, small chance of permanent heart damage. After much debate we lean toward CMF course of chemo just as a precaution in case some undetectable cancer lurks somewhere in my body--remember I'm shooting to be a 50 year cancer survivor!
So we meet with surgeons to double check mastectomy healing and with the Oncologist to schedule....Plastic surgeon wants two more weeks to let scabs heal...Oncologist agrees to ten days--December 4th is the scheduled beginning of chemical torture (my description..not the Drs!) and the second round can be bumped by a day or two to let me have the second round the day after Christmas instead of just before. Everyone seems happy with the decision to move forward--the only test that isn't back is the ONCOType DS--some sophisticated way of looking at the cancer cells and predicting what the chances of recurrence will be. Discussion between the Drs at tumor board was that all the Onco Type tests that have come back up to this point always categorize the cancer as mid-grade ( medium risk of recurrence)...so everyone debates the worth of test vs cost ($3200) which is not always considered an eligible insurance cost--we opt to go ahead with the test and we all agree that if test comes back mid-grade on the lower end we can reevaluate chemo efficacy...if on the higher end of "mid-grade" we'll keep the chemo as scheduled.
So I'm busy mentally gearing myself up for the next step--calling fellow cancer warriors to see how their experiences have been...gathering info and processing. And today Ken calls from his in house call duty to say that the ONCO type test is back (30 minutes after the Oncology secretary calls me to say test isn't back...we'll talk on Monday) and for the first time we have a low score to present to the Oncology team--so here we go into the holiday weekend back at the beginning.....recovering from the original surgery--grateful we did both breasts at once (did I mention that the larger tumor increased my risk of recurrence on the other side to 30%?) knowing we need radiation for sure...but back on the fence about chemo. Have I mentioned that I'm happier when there is a plan????
So I'll end my confusion for the night with a list of the things I know I'm grateful for at the moment--inspite of the uncertainty of what to do next: caring, compassionate, knowledgeable healthcare providers that work as a team; warm cinnamon rolls brought by caring neighbors; phone calls of concern; emails and cards that keep proving (as ken says) that I'm the most popular person in the house (we can actually say the we get more personal correspondence than bills these days--silver lining!); Lots of hugs and kisses from my husband and kids; the ability to drive 70 mph on the freeway after 4 weeks of no driving; a walk through the neighborhood with a friend who listens while I talk and talk and talk; friends who get my kids off to school while I head to Dr. appts; friends who pick my kids up from school while I'm still at appointments; warm, yummy dinners that appear in the kitchen just in time for me to feed the family after waking up from my post-appointment naps; laundry that disappears from my laundry hampers and comes back washed, dried, and ready to put back in drawers; neighbors who help pull garbage cans out the curb and back to the house when all my able-bodied family members are at work and school; cute hats just in case I have to go bald; pints of haagen-das icecream to eat straight from the container for an afternoon snack with the kids; beautiful flowers and yummy edible fruit bouquets; lots and lots of chocolate; house elves that show up and put the house back together--or run the house for days without letting me lift a finger. The list could go on forever, but I think we all get the idea!! It's hard to feel sorry for myself for very long when I start counting my blessings and realizing what an amazing outpouring of love and support that our family is experiencing. And most of all thanks for your prayers--from all ages and every denomination your faith and prayers continue to lift and sustain our family. We love you and hope you all have as many blessings to count this Thanksgiving as we do!
Sunday, November 4, 2007
The reality rollercoaster
So I know that you all are thinking that I'm just this incredible hunk of strength and courage--at least all your cards are cheering me on and complimenting me on my ability to keep moving forward, but the real truth is that I have lots of moments where I am scared spit less to think about the reality of Cancer as part of my existence.
Hard to imagine that a mere month ago I was carefree and worry free (well, okay, I was stressing out about how to juggle all my commitments, plant my fall flowers and get dinner made all in one day). I was watching the trees turn fall colors and hoping that I could get myself organized enough to pull off a stamp class, do my volunteer stuff at the school and improve my bowling average only bowling on one league a week. Kids were healthy, Ken was healthy, employment stable, fridge stocked, everyone had clothes and shoes to wear....life seemed pretty good....even better, I was on track for having my own dentist and doctor appointments checked off the list of things to do for the year. I celebrated by 38th birthday on August 9th, I rode a 68 mile bike ride with Cathryn in June and felt great afterward, went to my first rock concert (BON JOVI ROCKS!) teeth are being aligned properly for ache less chewing and smiling and I'm thinking that I'm approaching the big 40 in reasonable physical and mental condition...and I'm sooo looking forward to Andria starting Kindergarten so that I can catch up on some of those projects that have been piling up for the last few years of raising kids.
And then my internist suggested that I get a mammogram just to check things out even though she was sure it would be nothing.
One little statement that gave me a serious paradigm shift. For the first few appointments it was easy to think this was all just a little bump in the road... I did afterall ride in the Josie memorial Ride the day after I had the biopsy done...life was moving forward with just a little nagging thought that something might be wrong. But I'm still not sure that I really considered that I might have Cancer--and I certainly did no research on the possiblities. So when that phone call came that sent me straight to the couch in tears....and then to the office with the door closed to call Ken and MaurLo to start spreading the word--that was the moment I first considered that I wouldn't be around to be old enough to drive my kids crazy at the thought that I might live forever!
Even two weeks later I am not sure that I can think in termsof my own mortality because I want to be around for all the little moments between the bigger events of high school graduations, college graduations, marriages, birth of grandchildren, growing old with Ken.......I can't even bear the sadness when I find a picture drawn by Andria before I leave for the hospital of a mom and a little girl--both with tears dripping off their faces, or the fear in Andria's face when she comes to the hospital thinking that I might not be the same Mom she saw leave for the hospital. Or the cute eyes of Rachel as she gives me a tummy hug and asks if I'm feeling okay and her eyes on my face as I'm blogging to see if the tears are flowing or if I'm handling the emotion okay for the moment. Ryan is constantly hugging me and checking to see if I need help or if I'm doing okay...and Cathryn is the always observant child that I can't hide my sadness or concerns from--so she's always trying to keep everyone comforted and busy when my tears are upsetting the little ones. It's too much for a Mom to watch her kids hurt..especially when you know they know what it feels like to lose someone they love. So because my kids don't deserve to have another heart ache, I will choose the most drastic medical options for improving the odds that I will be around to grow old and drive them crazy.
Even with that resolve--I have moments when I fall apart--like the moment when my doctor mentions the word Chemotherapy and I realize that this Cancer thing is more serious than the 1mm "zit" (Ken's descriptive word) that is putting my life into a tailspin for a season. Or the moment I see new bruising and swelling after my drains come out and I panic and think that my skin is dying or an infection has started (luckily Ken has connections that let me see the doctors after clinic hours). Or the moment I have to tell my kids that the hope we had of avoiding Chemo is no longer a reality....and that yes, there is a possibility that my hair may fall out and that our hope of a "season" with cancer has now turned into more like a yearlong process. Or the moment a friend walks into the room with a bottle of lotion and offers to rub my feet to help me relax and take a nap and I realize how profoundly I miss having my Mom around to take care of me and my family. Dogfood!! This really stinks!
Then I look at my kids and Ken and realize how lucky I am that I had that random Mammogram, that they saw something they were concerned enough with to reqest a biopsy, that those guide wires were in the right spot to catch a 1 mm spot of invasive cancer that suggested I should have a mastectomy, that I had a mastectomy not a lumpectomy and that it turned up another 1.1cm spot of invasive cancer that they couldn't even see on the MRI, that I took off both breasts in one shot because the likelihood of reccurence with the larger cancer jumps to 30% and the aggressive behavior of the cancer is scarier because the mastectomy comes back Her2neu positive insteaad of Her2neu negative like the biopsy. How did I get so lucky as to have an random early detection when so many women out there are finding their own lumps and being diagnosed at a much later and more difficult time to be treated????
So for the moment the tears of fear are being replaced by tears of gratitude and a resolve to make the most of every minute that I have been given--As Dr. Neumayer says I just got a second chance at life! So like that county music song "Live like you Are dying"--I'm not planning on riding any steel bulls or going skydiving, but I do plan on 'loving deeper, speaking sweeter' and enjoying each day just a bit more than I have in the past. Tears and joy all in one bundle--this experience with cancer will be quite the ride--I have always been a fan of big rollercoasters...but the amusement park variety not the emotional variety!!!
Hard to imagine that a mere month ago I was carefree and worry free (well, okay, I was stressing out about how to juggle all my commitments, plant my fall flowers and get dinner made all in one day). I was watching the trees turn fall colors and hoping that I could get myself organized enough to pull off a stamp class, do my volunteer stuff at the school and improve my bowling average only bowling on one league a week. Kids were healthy, Ken was healthy, employment stable, fridge stocked, everyone had clothes and shoes to wear....life seemed pretty good....even better, I was on track for having my own dentist and doctor appointments checked off the list of things to do for the year. I celebrated by 38th birthday on August 9th, I rode a 68 mile bike ride with Cathryn in June and felt great afterward, went to my first rock concert (BON JOVI ROCKS!) teeth are being aligned properly for ache less chewing and smiling and I'm thinking that I'm approaching the big 40 in reasonable physical and mental condition...and I'm sooo looking forward to Andria starting Kindergarten so that I can catch up on some of those projects that have been piling up for the last few years of raising kids.
And then my internist suggested that I get a mammogram just to check things out even though she was sure it would be nothing.
One little statement that gave me a serious paradigm shift. For the first few appointments it was easy to think this was all just a little bump in the road... I did afterall ride in the Josie memorial Ride the day after I had the biopsy done...life was moving forward with just a little nagging thought that something might be wrong. But I'm still not sure that I really considered that I might have Cancer--and I certainly did no research on the possiblities. So when that phone call came that sent me straight to the couch in tears....and then to the office with the door closed to call Ken and MaurLo to start spreading the word--that was the moment I first considered that I wouldn't be around to be old enough to drive my kids crazy at the thought that I might live forever!
Even two weeks later I am not sure that I can think in termsof my own mortality because I want to be around for all the little moments between the bigger events of high school graduations, college graduations, marriages, birth of grandchildren, growing old with Ken.......I can't even bear the sadness when I find a picture drawn by Andria before I leave for the hospital of a mom and a little girl--both with tears dripping off their faces, or the fear in Andria's face when she comes to the hospital thinking that I might not be the same Mom she saw leave for the hospital. Or the cute eyes of Rachel as she gives me a tummy hug and asks if I'm feeling okay and her eyes on my face as I'm blogging to see if the tears are flowing or if I'm handling the emotion okay for the moment. Ryan is constantly hugging me and checking to see if I need help or if I'm doing okay...and Cathryn is the always observant child that I can't hide my sadness or concerns from--so she's always trying to keep everyone comforted and busy when my tears are upsetting the little ones. It's too much for a Mom to watch her kids hurt..especially when you know they know what it feels like to lose someone they love. So because my kids don't deserve to have another heart ache, I will choose the most drastic medical options for improving the odds that I will be around to grow old and drive them crazy.
Even with that resolve--I have moments when I fall apart--like the moment when my doctor mentions the word Chemotherapy and I realize that this Cancer thing is more serious than the 1mm "zit" (Ken's descriptive word) that is putting my life into a tailspin for a season. Or the moment I see new bruising and swelling after my drains come out and I panic and think that my skin is dying or an infection has started (luckily Ken has connections that let me see the doctors after clinic hours). Or the moment I have to tell my kids that the hope we had of avoiding Chemo is no longer a reality....and that yes, there is a possibility that my hair may fall out and that our hope of a "season" with cancer has now turned into more like a yearlong process. Or the moment a friend walks into the room with a bottle of lotion and offers to rub my feet to help me relax and take a nap and I realize how profoundly I miss having my Mom around to take care of me and my family. Dogfood!! This really stinks!
Then I look at my kids and Ken and realize how lucky I am that I had that random Mammogram, that they saw something they were concerned enough with to reqest a biopsy, that those guide wires were in the right spot to catch a 1 mm spot of invasive cancer that suggested I should have a mastectomy, that I had a mastectomy not a lumpectomy and that it turned up another 1.1cm spot of invasive cancer that they couldn't even see on the MRI, that I took off both breasts in one shot because the likelihood of reccurence with the larger cancer jumps to 30% and the aggressive behavior of the cancer is scarier because the mastectomy comes back Her2neu positive insteaad of Her2neu negative like the biopsy. How did I get so lucky as to have an random early detection when so many women out there are finding their own lumps and being diagnosed at a much later and more difficult time to be treated????
So for the moment the tears of fear are being replaced by tears of gratitude and a resolve to make the most of every minute that I have been given--As Dr. Neumayer says I just got a second chance at life! So like that county music song "Live like you Are dying"--I'm not planning on riding any steel bulls or going skydiving, but I do plan on 'loving deeper, speaking sweeter' and enjoying each day just a bit more than I have in the past. Tears and joy all in one bundle--this experience with cancer will be quite the ride--I have always been a fan of big rollercoasters...but the amusement park variety not the emotional variety!!!
First day flying solo
Somehow here we are almost 2 weeks post surgery. Somehow the days fly past even without my normal jam packed schedule to fill the hours. Now the hours fly by as I just try to do the very basics of getting through the day.
Saturday was my first day flying solo as the Mom and general manager of the family. Solo in this context does not mean that I did this without the incredible help of all four children, it simply means that I had no adult supervision (as in they do the work...I rest) to get me through the day. Ken was called in to do a long heart case and I felt good enough to contemplate making breakfast (can't say no to that dark haired girl that carefully cuddles up to me, bats her eyelashes and asks for pancakes).
So the adventure of the day begins when I realize that the pancake batter is in a cupboard that I can't reach as is the griddle...so Ryan is recruited to be my arms...then the gallon of milk must be retrieved from the fridge by Cathryn and once the batter is mixed (I did actually dump the mix in and crack the eggs) the bowl is too heavy so Cathryn is enlisted to pour the pancakes...my job is to hand her the plastic pancake turner. Kids want homemade syrup so Ryan has to reach the corn syrup, maple flavoring, and carry the pan to the stove once it is full of water and sugar etc....but I did turn on the stove! So I guess the question is.....did that really count as me making breakfast???? I did at least have the energy to eat the pancakes served up by Cathryn standing in my usual spot on the inside of the bar as I sat in the "kids" chairs.
After such a nourishing breakfast I did of course manage to muster enough energy to assign chores...a normal part of life that the kids have been happy to miss! Each kid went to clean up their zone ( do I have to mention that the cleaning ladies were here on Wednesday...and Aunt Treasa was here until Yesterday keeping everything together??) and find the floors of their bedrooms, practice the piano and do a job in the yard. Triumphs of the chore time were that we found a shelf in Rachel's closet where Andria could stash her treasures because Rachel found a few treasures from 2nd and 3rd grade that she could finally part with, and Cathryn and Ryan did a fabulous job of cleaning dead plants out of the pots and flower beds in the back yard. I did a fabulous job of supervising and keeping everyone on task...and then declared chores done and friend time, I mean nap time, as the order of the afternoon.
Everyone found some social activity to engage them but poor Andria who elected to keep me company on the premise that I would try again to find her a friend in "half an hour". I vaguely remember her asking me very quietly a few times if it was a "half an hour yet???" but somehow I managed to get just a few more minutes of rest before I was ready to wake up--a full three hours later! Andria kept me company the whole time reading herself stories and writing/drawing on her little portable desk in my room--is she amazing or what! Apparently while I was out for the count the phone rang (next to my head) and a neighbor, Elizabeth, called to see if there was anything we needed from Costco. Luckily the home supervisor for the afternoon, Ryan, remembered that we were really in need of some milk and put the proper order in. So I woke up to the voice of Elizabeth delivering milk and asking if Andria wanted to come over and play (finally...the half an hour is up!!). Whew!! This is quite a job adjusting back to the rigors of everyday life!
Saturday was my first day flying solo as the Mom and general manager of the family. Solo in this context does not mean that I did this without the incredible help of all four children, it simply means that I had no adult supervision (as in they do the work...I rest) to get me through the day. Ken was called in to do a long heart case and I felt good enough to contemplate making breakfast (can't say no to that dark haired girl that carefully cuddles up to me, bats her eyelashes and asks for pancakes).
So the adventure of the day begins when I realize that the pancake batter is in a cupboard that I can't reach as is the griddle...so Ryan is recruited to be my arms...then the gallon of milk must be retrieved from the fridge by Cathryn and once the batter is mixed (I did actually dump the mix in and crack the eggs) the bowl is too heavy so Cathryn is enlisted to pour the pancakes...my job is to hand her the plastic pancake turner. Kids want homemade syrup so Ryan has to reach the corn syrup, maple flavoring, and carry the pan to the stove once it is full of water and sugar etc....but I did turn on the stove! So I guess the question is.....did that really count as me making breakfast???? I did at least have the energy to eat the pancakes served up by Cathryn standing in my usual spot on the inside of the bar as I sat in the "kids" chairs.
After such a nourishing breakfast I did of course manage to muster enough energy to assign chores...a normal part of life that the kids have been happy to miss! Each kid went to clean up their zone ( do I have to mention that the cleaning ladies were here on Wednesday...and Aunt Treasa was here until Yesterday keeping everything together??) and find the floors of their bedrooms, practice the piano and do a job in the yard. Triumphs of the chore time were that we found a shelf in Rachel's closet where Andria could stash her treasures because Rachel found a few treasures from 2nd and 3rd grade that she could finally part with, and Cathryn and Ryan did a fabulous job of cleaning dead plants out of the pots and flower beds in the back yard. I did a fabulous job of supervising and keeping everyone on task...and then declared chores done and friend time, I mean nap time, as the order of the afternoon.
Everyone found some social activity to engage them but poor Andria who elected to keep me company on the premise that I would try again to find her a friend in "half an hour". I vaguely remember her asking me very quietly a few times if it was a "half an hour yet???" but somehow I managed to get just a few more minutes of rest before I was ready to wake up--a full three hours later! Andria kept me company the whole time reading herself stories and writing/drawing on her little portable desk in my room--is she amazing or what! Apparently while I was out for the count the phone rang (next to my head) and a neighbor, Elizabeth, called to see if there was anything we needed from Costco. Luckily the home supervisor for the afternoon, Ryan, remembered that we were really in need of some milk and put the proper order in. So I woke up to the voice of Elizabeth delivering milk and asking if Andria wanted to come over and play (finally...the half an hour is up!!). Whew!! This is quite a job adjusting back to the rigors of everyday life!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Good News Bad News
Oh Dogfood!! Should have known I was getting off too easy--because that just usually doesn't happen to me. So today the reality stick hit in the form of my pathology report from the mastectomies....GOOD news is that NO CANCER was found in any of the Sentinel Lymph nodes (4 were biopsied) --that means I have a 98% chance that the cancer has not spread anywhere else in the body. Bad news is that the invasive cancer was bigger than 1 mm--it was in fact 1.1 cm and this tissue sample came back Her-2/neu positive (an indicator for needing chemo). Because of my age (who thought being young would be such a disadvantage) and the size of the invasive cancer...and the new info of the Her 2 positive status it is pretty much dumping me into the category for Chemo. Technically I am borderline...but my physician has gently suggested that Chemo is probably a smart move. So now instead of just recouping for the next 6 weeks I will be the topic of conversation for thursday morning conference (luckily I can just send ken to gather info and skip it myself) and will spend my non sleeping time meeting with oncologists, radiologists and my surgeons and preparing for chemo which could start as early as 3 weeks depending on how fast the sutures and bruising heal from the mastectomies.
So I think my surgeon put it in the best words today--"Thank God that you had a mammogram. You just got a whole new lease on life!" --Leigh Neumeyer. So I am crying tears of fear and grattitude all at once in realizing that I got lucky to find cancer early....just not as lucky as I had hoped. I think I fear the nausea of chemo more than anything...I should be prepared after throwing up with all four babies for the entire 9 months (okay with Andria it was 7 months of puking and 2 months of bedrest and pre-term labor) ...but somehow it doesn't make it any easier to think about or prepare for. Ryan has already promised to shave his head when I lose my hair....I have Seven Brothers and one Bro. in law...I'm thinking that I could have a really fun picture of lots of bald heads (Dad and Stevan already have the jump on us--maybe they can shave their legs too!) at the family reunion in June-- is it family portrait time? My girls have all politely declined the opportunity to join me in my bald state--so all you Sisters-in-law can breathe a sigh of relief.
So here we go on our "year that I had breast cancer" instead of the "season that I had breast cancer". Thanks to all of you who are checking in on us on the blog and in person. And a special thank you to all my sisters ( blood, inlaw, and soul) who are helping me (or should I say I am barely helping them ) keep the house and family functioning. My fridges and freezers are all filled to the brim...and so are our tummies. Thanks for all the gifts and flowers and the list goes on and on......You are all amazing and your love will help us through the dark moments.
Think Pink--hopefully someday this will be a disease that is even more beatable than it is today!
So I think my surgeon put it in the best words today--"Thank God that you had a mammogram. You just got a whole new lease on life!" --Leigh Neumeyer. So I am crying tears of fear and grattitude all at once in realizing that I got lucky to find cancer early....just not as lucky as I had hoped. I think I fear the nausea of chemo more than anything...I should be prepared after throwing up with all four babies for the entire 9 months (okay with Andria it was 7 months of puking and 2 months of bedrest and pre-term labor) ...but somehow it doesn't make it any easier to think about or prepare for. Ryan has already promised to shave his head when I lose my hair....I have Seven Brothers and one Bro. in law...I'm thinking that I could have a really fun picture of lots of bald heads (Dad and Stevan already have the jump on us--maybe they can shave their legs too!) at the family reunion in June-- is it family portrait time? My girls have all politely declined the opportunity to join me in my bald state--so all you Sisters-in-law can breathe a sigh of relief.
So here we go on our "year that I had breast cancer" instead of the "season that I had breast cancer". Thanks to all of you who are checking in on us on the blog and in person. And a special thank you to all my sisters ( blood, inlaw, and soul) who are helping me (or should I say I am barely helping them ) keep the house and family functioning. My fridges and freezers are all filled to the brim...and so are our tummies. Thanks for all the gifts and flowers and the list goes on and on......You are all amazing and your love will help us through the dark moments.
Think Pink--hopefully someday this will be a disease that is even more beatable than it is today!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Thoughts of going European style tossed out!
Yep, it's true I must be feeling better because I got on the computer after the kids went to bed and here I am at almost midnight filling you in on my life as it is in reality. Today truly was a day of rest--I sent the family off to church and I sat in a chair and slept and relaxed. I actually watched the "Mothers Who Know" talk from the LDS Church General Conference to see what it was that everyone on the Wasatch front is so stirred up about--but realized I saw it the first time through and watching it the second time just reminded me that my role as a Mom is pretty important in that I have the opportunity to teach and influence 4 kids in more ways than I can influence anyone else in all my other activites. So thanks to all of you who have been exceptional models of how to be wonderful loving mothers--you inspire me in all that you do in your homes and your communities and you inspire me to enjoy the phase of my life that I get to spend as a mother of young...almost teenager children. Watching you glow as you talk about your kids and your families reminds me that I am lucky to learn how to mother from the BEST!
Okay--so onto my european fantasies-- I had the day of being royalty on Saturday --pointing here and there in the yard while my darling little helpers dug holes and planted bulbs and realized that I really am a "get your hands dirty kind of a girl"--not much of a "watching everyone else work while I sip lemonade" kind. Just didn't have that same kind of satisfaction I get from actually planting 200 bulbs by myself...but it was fun to watch my kids digging and I think it will be even more fun to have them report when "their" clumps of tulips or daffodils emerge in the spring-big thanks to Drill Sarg. Ken for rousting the troops and putting them to work so that they could still have the afternoon to hang out with friends.
So the life of ease and royalty isn't for me...and neither is the life the regular european gal...because (if you have a queasy stomach don't read this paragraph) I can't handle the itch of underarm hair!! (gross as Ryan so poetically put it!) I am learning to appreciate the little things of life like being able to shave under my arms...something I have been protesting about the inconvenience of for years! And while my showers have been seconds faster and less water wasted because if my inability to twist the right way...I'd still trade for just the simple pleasure of smooth underarms. So there you have it--I can't become a truly sophisticated European woman because of two minor details in my life...maybe I can still travel to Europe and enjoy all of the good stuff like bread and cheese and still have my razor and gardening gloves so I can pinch starts from all those "English gardens" (everyone does know that I am putting in for a trip to Europe for 20 yr anniversary that will be here in just a few years???)
Bottom line is that I have a pretty good life--Great friends, great family and hey--at least I have been able to shampoo my own hair this week...Looking forward to the other milestones of returning to good health like a nice sweat from the "Firm" weights and aerobic workout or a drive in the car that doesn't make me wince...oh...and the really good things like unrestrained, full body hugs from all the people I love. Can't wait for that!
Okay--so onto my european fantasies-- I had the day of being royalty on Saturday --pointing here and there in the yard while my darling little helpers dug holes and planted bulbs and realized that I really am a "get your hands dirty kind of a girl"--not much of a "watching everyone else work while I sip lemonade" kind. Just didn't have that same kind of satisfaction I get from actually planting 200 bulbs by myself...but it was fun to watch my kids digging and I think it will be even more fun to have them report when "their" clumps of tulips or daffodils emerge in the spring-big thanks to Drill Sarg. Ken for rousting the troops and putting them to work so that they could still have the afternoon to hang out with friends.
So the life of ease and royalty isn't for me...and neither is the life the regular european gal...because (if you have a queasy stomach don't read this paragraph) I can't handle the itch of underarm hair!! (gross as Ryan so poetically put it!) I am learning to appreciate the little things of life like being able to shave under my arms...something I have been protesting about the inconvenience of for years! And while my showers have been seconds faster and less water wasted because if my inability to twist the right way...I'd still trade for just the simple pleasure of smooth underarms. So there you have it--I can't become a truly sophisticated European woman because of two minor details in my life...maybe I can still travel to Europe and enjoy all of the good stuff like bread and cheese and still have my razor and gardening gloves so I can pinch starts from all those "English gardens" (everyone does know that I am putting in for a trip to Europe for 20 yr anniversary that will be here in just a few years???)
Bottom line is that I have a pretty good life--Great friends, great family and hey--at least I have been able to shampoo my own hair this week...Looking forward to the other milestones of returning to good health like a nice sweat from the "Firm" weights and aerobic workout or a drive in the car that doesn't make me wince...oh...and the really good things like unrestrained, full body hugs from all the people I love. Can't wait for that!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Friday at Last!
What is it about Fridays that makes us all sigh in relief? The hope of a restful weekend and a new week ahead? The accomplishment of surviving another week of school, work, and life? Whatever the reason we are all glad we've made it to another weekend and the break from the routine of whatever else we have going on--hope you are looking forward to your weekend too!
Last Friday we were hunkered down crossing things off the to-do list and trying to get ready for the dreaded surgery....and today we celebrate the fact that surgery is over and things are looking better than we ever imagined a week ago. Friends have filled our house with the fragrance of flowers, cards have arrived in the mail, treats have been dropped on the porch, meals have been delivered, hair styled, good wishes left on the answering machine, kids delivered to their activities, prayers answered and hearts sustained through a week of uncertainty and worry-- We are blessed to have you all as family and friends and everyday we are reminded of how lucky we are to know you and have our lives touched by your acts of kindness.
And tomorrow the sun is supposed to shine and Ken has the kids lined up for a day of planting hope in the form of Tulip and Daffodil bulbs that I have every intention of watching bloom for many springs to come (minus of course the bulbs that we must share with our resident pet VOLE). I find it amazing how life continues to move forward in spite of all the things that make you want to just stop in your tracks and scream in frustration...somehow instead I find a 44D pink bra in the mail from a Jr. High friend with a note that says.. "there are easier ways to go about getting the chest you want!" and I find myself laughing instead of crying because of the ironies of life and friends that remind me of all the great things I have to smile about. So enjoy the sunshine, plant a bulb and send a card to someone that you've been thinking of--it really doesn't matter how simple or small the act of kindness is, it really does make the world a better place and I'm smiling today because of all the big and little things you've done to remind me that the world is still full of wonderful people.
Pathology report on the lymph nodes is still not back...but negative or positive we know we'll move through the next phase with your love and prayers carrying us through--You are the best!
Last Friday we were hunkered down crossing things off the to-do list and trying to get ready for the dreaded surgery....and today we celebrate the fact that surgery is over and things are looking better than we ever imagined a week ago. Friends have filled our house with the fragrance of flowers, cards have arrived in the mail, treats have been dropped on the porch, meals have been delivered, hair styled, good wishes left on the answering machine, kids delivered to their activities, prayers answered and hearts sustained through a week of uncertainty and worry-- We are blessed to have you all as family and friends and everyday we are reminded of how lucky we are to know you and have our lives touched by your acts of kindness.
And tomorrow the sun is supposed to shine and Ken has the kids lined up for a day of planting hope in the form of Tulip and Daffodil bulbs that I have every intention of watching bloom for many springs to come (minus of course the bulbs that we must share with our resident pet VOLE). I find it amazing how life continues to move forward in spite of all the things that make you want to just stop in your tracks and scream in frustration...somehow instead I find a 44D pink bra in the mail from a Jr. High friend with a note that says.. "there are easier ways to go about getting the chest you want!" and I find myself laughing instead of crying because of the ironies of life and friends that remind me of all the great things I have to smile about. So enjoy the sunshine, plant a bulb and send a card to someone that you've been thinking of--it really doesn't matter how simple or small the act of kindness is, it really does make the world a better place and I'm smiling today because of all the big and little things you've done to remind me that the world is still full of wonderful people.
Pathology report on the lymph nodes is still not back...but negative or positive we know we'll move through the next phase with your love and prayers carrying us through--You are the best!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
10/25/07
Okay, okay...everyone told me to take it easy for the day so I did--I didn't even check my email! So it's true, It is good to be home, but I am sort of missing that gourmet restaurant that answered the phone and magically provided breakfast/lunch/dinner to order within 20 minutes--not that Joelle isn't doing a fabulous job of taking care of the house and keeping up with the kids...but we didn't put gourmet chef on the list of qualifications when we put out requests for help.
And my greatest apologies to all of you for the lovely pictures that you have been subjected to--I was under the influence of drugs when those pictures were taken and I think I look much better than the pictures show (and that is the mental picture I will keep in my head inspite of what the lens says). Funny how the little things in life become so important--like a warm shower and the ability to lift your arms above your head and wash your hair. I admit that I approached surgery with the worst case scenario pictures in my mind and so I am elated that I am coherent, can move my arms, wash my hair, and type on the computer and love on my family--at least for short periods of time before I need another 3 hour nap. I can now say that I have some really comfortable furniture to relax/sleep on...you all know me...I haven't spent much time sitting on all that furniture--just thought it looked good and hoped it was comfy--next goal is to test out all of those high definition TV's that have appeared in our house over the last year--Can't wait to watch Sesame Street in High Def--although I have heard rumors that there are other things on TV to watch these days.
Today I ventured out onto the patio to sit at the table and eat some yummy gourmet ravioli casserole (thanks visiting teachers!) and watch Andria and Hannah jump on the trampoline, play with hula hoops and try out the jump ropes--then I got invited to be the owner of a cute little black curly haired dog named Bella (alias Andria) and a cute little cat spotdot (alias Hannah). My job was to throw "sticks" to be fetched by my darling pets, and believe it or not I managed to play for at least 30 minutes--must be the pain meds and the insistance of my nurses that I take it easy. So it's true--I am trying to take it easy...hoping I can last for at least a few more days before my obsessive compulsive personality drives me to waking in the middle of the night to sneak in a project while everyone else is sleeping.
Lots of love to you all--the house smells like a garden shop, we've all gained at least 5 pounds and the Double D and "keeping you abreast of the news" jokes are keeping us all in stitches (no pun intended). Everyday we are counting our blessings and realizing that our cup is overflowing! Jen and family
Okay, okay...everyone told me to take it easy for the day so I did--I didn't even check my email! So it's true, It is good to be home, but I am sort of missing that gourmet restaurant that answered the phone and magically provided breakfast/lunch/dinner to order within 20 minutes--not that Joelle isn't doing a fabulous job of taking care of the house and keeping up with the kids...but we didn't put gourmet chef on the list of qualifications when we put out requests for help.
And my greatest apologies to all of you for the lovely pictures that you have been subjected to--I was under the influence of drugs when those pictures were taken and I think I look much better than the pictures show (and that is the mental picture I will keep in my head inspite of what the lens says). Funny how the little things in life become so important--like a warm shower and the ability to lift your arms above your head and wash your hair. I admit that I approached surgery with the worst case scenario pictures in my mind and so I am elated that I am coherent, can move my arms, wash my hair, and type on the computer and love on my family--at least for short periods of time before I need another 3 hour nap. I can now say that I have some really comfortable furniture to relax/sleep on...you all know me...I haven't spent much time sitting on all that furniture--just thought it looked good and hoped it was comfy--next goal is to test out all of those high definition TV's that have appeared in our house over the last year--Can't wait to watch Sesame Street in High Def--although I have heard rumors that there are other things on TV to watch these days.
Today I ventured out onto the patio to sit at the table and eat some yummy gourmet ravioli casserole (thanks visiting teachers!) and watch Andria and Hannah jump on the trampoline, play with hula hoops and try out the jump ropes--then I got invited to be the owner of a cute little black curly haired dog named Bella (alias Andria) and a cute little cat spotdot (alias Hannah). My job was to throw "sticks" to be fetched by my darling pets, and believe it or not I managed to play for at least 30 minutes--must be the pain meds and the insistance of my nurses that I take it easy. So it's true--I am trying to take it easy...hoping I can last for at least a few more days before my obsessive compulsive personality drives me to waking in the middle of the night to sneak in a project while everyone else is sleeping.
Lots of love to you all--the house smells like a garden shop, we've all gained at least 5 pounds and the Double D and "keeping you abreast of the news" jokes are keeping us all in stitches (no pun intended). Everyday we are counting our blessings and realizing that our cup is overflowing! Jen and family
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
No Place like Home!
Oct 24: Jen is discharged from the Hospital. Yea!! Good to have mom back home. Advised she can't lift anything heavier than 5 pounds. New laundry service provider under contract.
Party at 5506
Oct 23: Jen was kind enough to host a family party at suite 5506. Kids and candy made for a lively evening.Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Post Op Day #1
Oct 23: I am having a hard time here up in my suite overlooking the Salt Lake valley. For lunch I had carmelized Salmon with Mango Salsa and Asparagus. It really was as good as it sounds. No laundry, no dishes, and no weeds to pull.
The nurses have me walking laps. Foley catheter (bladder catheter) is out, IV disconnected, A little nausea last night. Pain reasonably well controlled. Passing gas. Catching a few winks between visitors, nursing checks, or monitor beeps.
Thanks to all for the beautiful flowers.
Over all, feeling well.
The nurses have me walking laps. Foley catheter (bladder catheter) is out, IV disconnected, A little nausea last night. Pain reasonably well controlled. Passing gas. Catching a few winks between visitors, nursing checks, or monitor beeps.
Thanks to all for the beautiful flowers.
Over all, feeling well.
Back in business
Oct 22: 11 PM after surgery. Life is good, the cell phone works in my hospital bed.
Monday, October 22, 2007
A successful day in the OR
Oct 22: After 6 hours in the OR, Jen is recovering well from surgery. The general surgeon, plastic surgeon, and anesthesiologist report that things went well. Yea! She is in room 5506 at the Huntsman Cancer Hospital.
Jen Goes to Surgery
Oct 22: Jen went to surgery at 3 PM. Anticipated operating time: 5 hours. Preliminary report three hours in: everything has gone well and Jen is behaving herself! She'll be staying at the Huntsman Cancer Hospital for 2 to 4 days after surgery.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
What's Happened So Far
Sept 20: Jen goes in for a routine annual exam with her internist, Dr. Natalie Kim at the University of Utah. A "bump" in her left armpit was somewhat suspicious. She is sent to radiology for an ultrasound.
Sept 25: An ultrasound and mammogram were performed at the Hunstman Cancer Hospital. The ultrasound showed normal tissue in the left armpit. The mammogram showed "clustered amorphous and fine pleomorphic calcifications." in the left breast. The radiologist was Dr. Kathleen Puglia.
Sept 27: Met with Dr. Leigh Neumeyer, a general surgeon at the Huntsman Cancer Institute to discuss biopsy options. Advised that 65% of biopsies are negative.
Sept 28: Jen had a guide wire assisted breast biopsy. This involved going first to radiology for a second mammogram with placement of guide wires under radiographic guidance to place the tips of the guide wires at the site of the calcifications in the left breast. Jen has a syncopal episode (tries to faint), but the radiology technicians quickly catch her before she's out cold. Then she went to the operating room and the biopsy was done under light sedation and local anesthetic infiltration of the skin over the biopsy site. Anesthesia Doc tells Jen that a little drug goes a long way--"don't forget to breathe!" Jen does well after surgery and rides her bike in the Josie Johnson Memorial Ride the next day.
Oct 2: BIG BUMMER! Results of the biopsy showed a microscopic focus of invasive ductal carcinoma (1 mm) and ductal carcinoma in situ (pre cancerous cells) in several locations. The pathologist was Dr. L. Ralph Rohr. Ken and Jen break news to kids and family--and Andria comments "Mom, why did you have to grow a bump??" Laughter is good medicine!
Oct 5: Met with Dr. Neumeyer to discuss surgical options (left lumpectomy versus left mastectomy versus bilateral mastectomy). A lumpectomy is removal of breast tissue through a small incision at the skin areolar boarder. A mastectomy is removal of the breast from the chest wall. Recurrence rates versus surgical technique were reviewed. Overall, survival rates are the same with lumpectomy versus mastectomy. However, recurrence rates with a lumpectomy are 15-20% and 5% with mastectomy. There is a 15% chance of recurrence in the opposite breast.
Discussed radiation and chemotherapy. Radiation therapy used if only doing a lumpectomy. Radiation therapy used after a mastectomy if after resection, there is no discernable margin (from diseased tissue to non diseased tissue). Chemothearpy required if there is evidence of metastatic disease (spread of cancer from the breast to other tissues). At the time of surgery, Jen will be injected with a radio-labeled dye into her lymph nodes. This is done so that through the use of a probe that can pick up the radio labeled dye, the main lymph nodes draining the breast can be located. These nodes are called "sentinel nodes" The left side sentinel nodes will be biopsied for metastatic disease. --okay...in plain english cancer stinks and means you have to do torture to your body even though you feel perfectly fine!
Met with Dr. Jayant Agarwal from plastic and reconstructive surgery to discuss breast reconstruction options. Reconstruction options include saline implants, silicon implants, free flaps from the abdomen or back. Abdomen won't work for Jen, she has no abdominal fat--many people offer to be donors..too bad the technology isn't up to that level!
Oct 11: Breast MRI shows no evidence of residual disease in either breast.
Jen goes into nesting mode big time at the house...rooms get rearranged, closets reorganized (what does that have to do with anything????) and cans of paint that have been sitting gathering dust for at least 6 months are suddenly calling out to be used. Kitchen, family room and den get a face lift and then Jen realizes that maybe she should do some real preparation for being out of comission! Oh those genes run strong!!
Oct 21--Thanks to all of you who have sent love, prayers, flowers, meals, cards, calls and cookies our direction. The kids say you can send all the cookies you want! Feeling nervous and calm all at once but anxious to start the process of being cancer free for many years to come. Love to you all-- and don't eat in front of me because the fasting starts as of right now! ( you know that I am writing this at midnight--right??)
Oct 22: Scheduled for surgery at the Hunstman Cancer Hospital in the afternoon. Dr. Leigh Neumeyer to do Surgery, Dr. Agarwal to place tissue expanders and Dr. Talmage Egan to do Anesthesia --hear he gives a gourmet cocktail! -hope the pain meds are good and that my mouth can stay quiet while the meds are on board! Ken will write a more professional report later.
Sept 25: An ultrasound and mammogram were performed at the Hunstman Cancer Hospital. The ultrasound showed normal tissue in the left armpit. The mammogram showed "clustered amorphous and fine pleomorphic calcifications." in the left breast. The radiologist was Dr. Kathleen Puglia.
Sept 27: Met with Dr. Leigh Neumeyer, a general surgeon at the Huntsman Cancer Institute to discuss biopsy options. Advised that 65% of biopsies are negative.
Sept 28: Jen had a guide wire assisted breast biopsy. This involved going first to radiology for a second mammogram with placement of guide wires under radiographic guidance to place the tips of the guide wires at the site of the calcifications in the left breast. Jen has a syncopal episode (tries to faint), but the radiology technicians quickly catch her before she's out cold. Then she went to the operating room and the biopsy was done under light sedation and local anesthetic infiltration of the skin over the biopsy site. Anesthesia Doc tells Jen that a little drug goes a long way--"don't forget to breathe!" Jen does well after surgery and rides her bike in the Josie Johnson Memorial Ride the next day.
Oct 2: BIG BUMMER! Results of the biopsy showed a microscopic focus of invasive ductal carcinoma (1 mm) and ductal carcinoma in situ (pre cancerous cells) in several locations. The pathologist was Dr. L. Ralph Rohr. Ken and Jen break news to kids and family--and Andria comments "Mom, why did you have to grow a bump??" Laughter is good medicine!
Oct 5: Met with Dr. Neumeyer to discuss surgical options (left lumpectomy versus left mastectomy versus bilateral mastectomy). A lumpectomy is removal of breast tissue through a small incision at the skin areolar boarder. A mastectomy is removal of the breast from the chest wall. Recurrence rates versus surgical technique were reviewed. Overall, survival rates are the same with lumpectomy versus mastectomy. However, recurrence rates with a lumpectomy are 15-20% and 5% with mastectomy. There is a 15% chance of recurrence in the opposite breast.
Discussed radiation and chemotherapy. Radiation therapy used if only doing a lumpectomy. Radiation therapy used after a mastectomy if after resection, there is no discernable margin (from diseased tissue to non diseased tissue). Chemothearpy required if there is evidence of metastatic disease (spread of cancer from the breast to other tissues). At the time of surgery, Jen will be injected with a radio-labeled dye into her lymph nodes. This is done so that through the use of a probe that can pick up the radio labeled dye, the main lymph nodes draining the breast can be located. These nodes are called "sentinel nodes" The left side sentinel nodes will be biopsied for metastatic disease. --okay...in plain english cancer stinks and means you have to do torture to your body even though you feel perfectly fine!
Met with Dr. Jayant Agarwal from plastic and reconstructive surgery to discuss breast reconstruction options. Reconstruction options include saline implants, silicon implants, free flaps from the abdomen or back. Abdomen won't work for Jen, she has no abdominal fat--many people offer to be donors..too bad the technology isn't up to that level!
Oct 11: Breast MRI shows no evidence of residual disease in either breast.
Jen goes into nesting mode big time at the house...rooms get rearranged, closets reorganized (what does that have to do with anything????) and cans of paint that have been sitting gathering dust for at least 6 months are suddenly calling out to be used. Kitchen, family room and den get a face lift and then Jen realizes that maybe she should do some real preparation for being out of comission! Oh those genes run strong!!
Oct 21--Thanks to all of you who have sent love, prayers, flowers, meals, cards, calls and cookies our direction. The kids say you can send all the cookies you want! Feeling nervous and calm all at once but anxious to start the process of being cancer free for many years to come. Love to you all-- and don't eat in front of me because the fasting starts as of right now! ( you know that I am writing this at midnight--right??)
Oct 22: Scheduled for surgery at the Hunstman Cancer Hospital in the afternoon. Dr. Leigh Neumeyer to do Surgery, Dr. Agarwal to place tissue expanders and Dr. Talmage Egan to do Anesthesia --hear he gives a gourmet cocktail! -hope the pain meds are good and that my mouth can stay quiet while the meds are on board! Ken will write a more professional report later.
Jenifer Update
To all family and friends,
As you may all know, JJ is about to undergo Surgery at the Huntsman Cancer Institute.
She will under go a bilateral mastectomy for breast cancer.
To help keep the communications line open, we will use this blog site to give out updates.
As you may all know, JJ is about to undergo Surgery at the Huntsman Cancer Institute.
She will under go a bilateral mastectomy for breast cancer.
To help keep the communications line open, we will use this blog site to give out updates.
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